Hmmm....

What is a Salvationist? And what does a Salvationist look like?

I should really put that on Facebook to be honest.

That question came into my head last Sunday after hearing a comment of the sort "At least he looks like a Salvationist now". For some reason this totally jarred in my head with something. Don't yet know what that is. I don't think a Salvationist should "look" like anything. A Salvationist should be a person that looks like everybody else, but wants to spread the message of Salvation to the rest of the planet. Personally I don't think it should be about looks. Personality is all that matters. And it's all that should matter. I agree, for certain things that are in public it is important not to look shabby, because that would affect people's opinion of the Army and what it can do for people (maybe that's just the Govanite in me or something).

BUT

wearing a uniform does not mean you are a Christian. Not wearing a uniform does not mean you aren't a Christian ( I think that's right...) So therefore I do not think it should be about whether someone looks like a Salvationist or not, it is about actions and words and who that person is that determines whether he/she is Salvationist, or a Christian.

And I speak from experience.

I wear a uniform and I feel like a hypocrit sometimes. If my faith disappears without any sign, or something happens to make me rethink i feel like a liar. I'm showing something to people by wearing my uniform that maybe I don't actually believe in.

But you know what.

Sometimes it's the uniform that makes me think. It's the uniform that actually keeps me searching. Because I am so aware of the fact that I am being a hypocrit etc.

And in that way, I am glad that I look like a Salvationist.

It keeps me thinking.

(Answers to the questions would be appreciated.)

My Art

Have been wanting to put up some of my wee drawings for ages now so here they are.

You know what? I think I'm becoming really complacent about things. Like actually everything. Bad stuff and good stuff does not seem to make an impression on me sometimes. Like if I told you half the stuff that doesn't make an impression on me you'd think I was nuts. Stuff like:
cancer
homosexuality
drugs
murder
burglary
death
(sometimes) love
happiness
money
music

See. What I think the deal is here is that I just think that all that bad stuff is so not going to happen to me. And I know that is so nuts, because their is every chance some of that stuff is going to happen to me, and in the caase of death it's certain. And while I can't abide the thought of murder and adultery and stuff, it doesn't rile me up as much as it used too. I think I'm scared of it happening to me. I think I'm going through a mid-teenage crisis. Everything seems so messed up to me just now. I hate the fact that I don't feel anything for these things anymore. Like I never used to think about death, now sometimes I don't want to go out the house. Homosexuality used to be considered really wrong by me, yet now I don't really care that much. Cancer, I mean I know it's bad, but it doesn't strike anything deeper in me than that-that it's bad. It's really troubling me, all this. I used to be such a deep feeler. I am still for good things like love and friendship and family, but some things just seem to strike a wall in my mind whenever I think about them and they only go a certain way to making me feel anything about them, then it stops. Sorry about the rambling, it's just that I've been trying to sort this out and word it in a way that I can try and get out of it. I don't know whether it's cause I'm growing up or what and I bet all of you who read this will be like omw, what is wrong with her, but I really do hate this. I want out of it. It gives me a false sense of reailty and reduces my effectiveness in helping people in this imperfect world. Helping myself, in this imperfect world. I think I need some help.
Please don't think I'm some sort of nutter. I just had to get my thoughts down, and ask for help with this.
Help. Please.
Love.x

Well, am bored doing one-hundred and one things for uni so taking time out to share some thoughts. Had the congress this weekend, it was good fun, good to see everyone. Was nice to be involved, but nice to sit back and listen as well.

Thoughts about the weekend:
1. It was exactly what I was expecting. Quite Army. Had the hand-flags waving at some points. It reminded me of what I've read about rallies. People being proud of what they stood for etc. However, found it a bit weird.
2. Being at the back of the hall totally gives me vertigo...
3. I felt the entire Sunday was just about getting people to go to the Mercy Seat. I don't mind that, and I think it's amazing and I wish I had the guts to do it one day, but it made me feel uncomfortable.
4. Thought the band and the a chorus were pretty alright!
5. Again with the observer thing. If someone came in and saw what i saw, they'd run back out again, cause that's what I felt like doing sometimes. It's not that I was embarrassed, it's just I think some things are silly (how vague am i being?)

As a little side thought, well I think that's me more-or-less finished anyway, thinking about observers made me think. This is how my train of thought (choo-choo) went:

(Me, on bus):
"Hmm...I wonder what would happen if someone had come in and seen us all looking at a screen and reading off what it said, what they would have thought. Surely they must think were insane. They don't know that we're reading it to someone, therefore they must just be thinking we're reading it for the sake of reading. I wonder, if we had put a cross or something in the middle so that could be a focus point, so we could look as if we were reading to that, but, wait a minute, is that not like idolatry? Or could it turn into idolatry? Hmm...(started reading again)"

yeah, so I just thought my musings were different as I haven't thought about idolatry before. It was just so strange at how easily the thought slipped into my mind. Made me think about the golden calf incident, and look how that turned out. Made me conclude that if you don't think about something it could take you down the wrong road so easily. Then again, there is nothing wrong with having a cross in a worship hall somewhere!

Anyway really have to finish this report.
Sorry if I make no sense whatsoever, 'cause i don't usually.
x

I'm really really tired today. It's making me laugh just now, but I'm going to be so grumpy by the time I leave uni tonight! Ican't believe congress is this weekend. I'm quite excited, and I'm really looking forward to taking part on the Sunday (of course worried that I won't be able to play anything). The last congress I remember aw lol! Lots of memories. There was one time when me and Rach were arguing and this woman we didn't know told us off, and said something about us wearing our uniform, and asked us what that stood for, blah blah, we were kids for crying out loud. I was flipping nine. Anyhoo, good times on the lifts, and general chaos. Good weekend. So, looking forward to it!
Am supposed to be writing up my lab report for tuesday but I can't concentrate. At least I've done the aim.
Had a really nice time with Alistair yesterday. Went to see Stardust (sweet ending), got pizza, went to George Sq. for a while, all nice and chilled out and lovely.
What else has been happening?
I have exams in 6 weeks. Need to start revising. (I'm so gonna fail physics).
Well, have just procrastinatedon facebook for a while. oops....
What's So Amazing About Grace is really making me think, can't remember what about, but it's gooood.
x

I was saying to my mum yesterday, Sundays don't feel Sundays anymore. Sundays used to feel special. I used to look forward to them because they were completely different from any other day. They were mad! It was great! Used to get up, get ready for the meeting, have a good meeting, get home, have quick lunch, sit down/do homework for a while, get ready again, go out for another meeting! I mean, it was great! Then, last night, was in the kitchen and I was like, hmm...this doesn't feel like a Sunday anymore. It got to me a lot. It just felt like any other day.

But it shouldn't be like any other day.

Sunday should be special.

It should be a day of refreshment, and re-routing and meeting with other Christians. A day that's not like the others. A day where you take time to think, ask questions, and maybe get some answers. A day where you know you can spend all your time concentrated on God and on God stuff.

Now, I'm not meaning that this can't be done some other time in the week. But I find that I get distracted all too easily by uni, or people, or stress or other stuff that the world flings at me. I would love to have a place where I can go and learn and grow spiritually. I guess my church isn't doing that for me just now.

It troubles me.

Maybe I'm reading too much "contemporary" stuff. Velvet Elvis has totally changed my perspective on a whole load of stuff, and I can't decide whether that's a good thing or not.

Oh, I don't mean that people at church are getting to me, I mean that what we do at church isn't doing anything for me.

Am I gonna have to change church?!

I don't want to!

Meh.

What to do?

I'm trying to explore and discover the diversity of the church I belong too. Because it's pretty diverse. Maybe I'm getting bored of tradition (what is going on with the world....?) because ((deep)) and Catch the Fire are appealing to me way more than a Sunday morning meeting.

I'm concerned.

I love the Army, I wouldn't change it for the world. Maybe it will have to change someday. Who knows?

Hmm...I do like my church. Writing all this stuff has helped me sort it out in my head a bit. But I still want more.

Sorry for my rambling. It probably doesn't make much sense.

Hope all is well.

x

Sad

You know that way when you're totally stressed that everything's going to fall down around your ears?
Having a bit of that just now.
It's great.

I don't like change....

I'm Back!!!!!!!!!

So, really REALLY quick update:
- started uni
- life's pretty great

That's about it really.

So, down to business.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, on the buses. It's been amazing. Anyhoo, I've just finished Velvet Elvis, and for those of you who have read it you'll agree that it totally smacks you right in the face. It made me remember Mr Howie doing a wee chat a few years ago at our youth church about how it's our generation that will redefine the church (at least that's what I think it was about, I was only 14 or something). Yeah, so on the bus I was thinking, a lot. I even had my "pondering face" on, and that means it's serious stuff. There's a story at the end. Bell's sitting in a church service, and the vicar dude tells people that if they want to become Christians and go to heaven etc then all they have to do is pray this prayer and that's them, sorted. First off I had a problem with that. So vicar asks everyone to close their eyes and pray, and if they become Christians they are to raise their hands and not worry, ' cause everyone has their eyes closed anyway. So the vicar's like oh yeah, i see hands up, thank you, blah.

Bell's got his eyes open.

And he don't see no hands going up.

Does that not make your blood run cold? Does that not make your entire mind and soul and heart and body just want to scream? (obviously you should read the ACTUAL story, not my crappy description).

And I was thinking, how many people are observers. How many people are sitting. And watching. Trying to suss stuff out. And how many church people (not Christians, church people) realise this? How many church people know that their actions, every second of them can have eternal consequences for everybody else?

Are leaders doing their thing properly? A few situations recently, and stories in that book, have made me start to think, maybe in a tiny wee voice, that the answer to that is no.

And I'm not perfect, NO WHERE NEAR. But it scares me, it scares me a lot, that people who can get it so wrong, don't notice, maybe don't even care when they do.

I think the church has to go back to its fundamentals. Restart, redefine itself. I never thought I would think like this to be perfectly honest. And I don't know where to go with these thoughts. But I know it's gotta happen, because it's the way it's supposed to be.

Hope you're all wonderful.

Love.x

I'M BACK!!!!
Ok, update:
University: nothing
School: rubbish
God: getting there, not
Alistair: wunderbar (wonderful in German), and he's becoming a bando...(mwahaha!)
Yeah, lifes just grand!
Hmm, anyway, what has been going on, since November...em...my faith has floundered more than once, twice, thrice, hmm...lots. Went to London in January, that was awesome. What else? Right, well actually, I've been thinking about my future. And I've come to some conclusions:
1. I don't know if medicine is for me. Would I still be thinking this if I had offers? No, probably not. Think that's a sign.
2. I don't know where my life is headed, and it's scaring me a lot. I'm still a kid really...can't deal with the big bad world yet. Boo...
3. I wish I had some direction. I'm floating in a big sea, and everythings chaotic and not staying still, but I can't stop time.
4. God has all the possible futures that I could have sorted. That kind of blew my mind, but it's kind of physics so it's wonderful as well.
5. I want to do DFL. I'm thinking it's a case of exposing my mind to loads of things, because that's my responsibility, God don't give me stuff on a platter. So, yeah DFL will be the way forward.
Future: non-existant.
What else? I'm gonna study my Bible more. Learn it. I'm very excited for this! The Message is awesome. And just cause my Bible doesn't look trashed doesn't mean I don't use it.
My mum's ill again. It's quite rubbish really. And Rachel's going to Old Trafford on Tuesday, which would be tomorrow. Lol, that'll be awesome for her.
Aw, am drawing the most awesome cartoon for the 3rd verse of "And Can It Be". Will post it when I'm done. I mean, it's not that great, but I like drawing it, something different I guess.
I wish I had more time to just type and type, but life isn't like that. Wish it was!
I've learnt that God does answer prayer. And I've realised that I only remember two situations where He has, which really bugged me. God has a time for everything, absolutely. My prayer just now is from Psalms, I really do think it's awesome:

"Open your ears, God, to my prayer,
Don't pretend you don't hear me knocking.
Come close and whisper your answer,
I really need you."
Psalm 55:1-2

It's something like that at least. I'm glad I found it.
Anyway, have to go. Sorry for the mess that is this post.
Take care.

Sorry pals...

Ok, I have a whole hour to update you on what's going on. So far I have not heard anything from any of the Uni's so am freaking out a little bit. I did actually have a dream last night that I got a letter from Dundee and I had got an interview so yeah, the dream before had involved me saving a little boy that had drowned on a white cross floating in the ocean with an animal skull in his mouth, so I don't think any of it is rather reliable. Um, the past few weekends have rocked. 2 weekends ago I was at Clydebank so I saw everyone. It was my cousins enrolment as a Senior Soldier, so that was lovely. I got to play in their band and played such a great cornet. How sad am I? Note to self, thoughts about music. Very jealous of those who have funky net systems, I still have to trawl through everyones, but I like the colours so it's all good. And then this weekend was great because my bestest mate Laura came up, down, across, sideways, whatever, and it rocked. And she's coming back up!!!!!!! WOOOO!!!
It was the All Scotland Youth Councils as well so I saw Clydebank and Govan and other people as well, again. Stuff happened and it was good. My mum, sis, Laura and me went shopping on the Saturday which was also fun. Ispent most of the weekend up in the tech bit with craig and marti(y?)n. And that was so much fun. The ladder, the dancing, sweet memories...aw yeah, and Alistair gave me two books, Screwtape letters and Mere Christianity. Screwtape is bloomin' incredible, but I'm getting a bit muddled by it, Lewis' syntax can be quite strange. His thoughts are just ground-breaking. I was actually in floods for one letter, because it was totally what I needed. hmm...
Never mind. And I drew another angel picture. My mum thinks I need exorcised, my dad said that I realise how hard it can be. And I want to read the God Delusion, I think it can be used as a weapon.
What else?
Aw yeah, I was speaking to some people about this, corruption. It's a really disgusting word. The word itself, like rupture. But yeah, are parts of the Army corrupt? It makes me so sad to think that yeah, some bits actually are, but no-ones taking the initiative to say anything. Well, music school two years ago, but for some reason Satan's still in there. Like he is in all of us, but at least some of us try and do something about it. It makes me so upset, hypocrisy is a killer. And look, yet again, I'm being one now. But when I think of the people that have been lost, people that I don't know, people that I do know, it makes me mad. I hate Satan. Mehness.
Hmm...and I think it's funny how people go about things in different ways. Showing Jesus, love, strange stuff. Books and music might do the job, fantastic, but it's the person YOU are that does it really.
I just read something. People want there to be hope. Hope that this is not it. That there is a point to life. Wow, it's just that society is so content with the world as it is they aren't searching anymore. But some people are...that fills me with determination. Hmm...I wanted an orange yesterday, and my mum had just gone shopping for food, and there was a brand-new bag of oranges. And I love fresh fruit. So I went over and tried to open the bag. I made like so many holes in it, but I pulled and pulled and it just wasn't happening. So I let go. And then I looked again, and saw that there was only the tiniest little bit of netting left, so I went at it. Got it open, and had one of the nicest oranges I've ever had. It was perfect. Take from it what you will. Maybe I'm over interpreting, but it encouraged me. It's not over 'til it's over.
I think the apocalypse is nigh.
I also found out that Jews don't believe in the New Testament. They're still waiting on the Messiah...how scary.
And I want to go to Korea (the not so good one (not supposed to say that, am I?)) to start a church, how exciting!!!
I am scared though. Screwtapes description of hell and stuff, it really freaked me out. Hmm...my friend Callum said to me that the reason Satan is so attractive is because he's a fallen angel. I hate it how he's in me right now. I think I'm focusing on him more than God. I'm quite screwed up really, ament I? flip, I'm scared.
Am looking forward to band tonight, usually cheers me up. And I'll get to see my mates for the 3rd week in a row, it's so exciting.
I'm actually messed up, and I mess peoples lives up. I am actually rubbish. And I hate school.
Oh well.
Love and all that jazz.x

The Holy Spirit

"For the Holy Spirit, God's gift, does not want you to be afraid of people, but to love them and enjoy being with them."

And Adam, I have some questions for you about devils. Could make for an interesting discussion. And don't take anything from the fact that I thought of you. And I've been researching Satanism and the Satanic Bible. It's just quite surreal, as are a lot of things just now - God, Satan, death, the world, stuff. It's great....oh and heaven, prophecies, manifestations. So many wonderings, wanderings through the Christian faith. Loving it. love.xx

Back

Am back from very exciting time in chemistry. So miracles, yeah. What was said to me about feeling God blew my mind, I was basically sitting on the floor playing dominoes trying not to cry. Wow, God was totally in that day. And then I met a guy on the 45 bus that I havent seen for 6 whole years, and we were chatting like we hadn't lost those years. His voice has changed obviously but still the same dude. Tis amazing, hopefully meeting up with him tomorrow to catch up which will be grand.
Aw, so Saturday, hmm, lots of God things again, particularly God prods. Songsters were at The Port and I was page-turner for the evening (going to ask for a commision if I go away to Sunderland with them 'cause yeah I don't wanna be unofficial hahaha lol). Anyway, scary stuff going on.
1. At the back of the hall there they have a huge board saying "TO THE UTTERMOST HE SAVES" and I was soooo challenged by that. Like, thinking that God was saying that I have to step out a bit more, make my faith more pronounced in my life and in showing it to other people.
2. A thing has come up with someone getting God vibes and whole complicated issue with "calling" (HUGE clue there guys) and the songsters sang "One Life To Life" and one of the lines is "...desire, my own way to pursue", and God asked me if I thought that I was doing what He wanted me to do, and I couldn't answer, so am quite scared about that.
3. Hmm...there was something else but can't remember. Wish I had had a notebook with me, darn. Aw no, my dad's song "All My Pride", incredible, but words say about Jesus dying on the cross, and basically I got that I ament using the grace that God has given me enough.
So that was Saturday night, and then on Sunday I was asked to do teaching at kids church, on the Holy Spirit. I was rubbish, but God was incredible, and for somehow He worked through the rubbish that is me, and got the kids thinking and questioning absolutely everything, and that hasn't happened before. Ok, took me a while to realise how incredible that was, but that's me being human and selfish, but last night taught me humility and hopefully I'll have more chances like that for God to work through what I try to do. Hmm...getting all confused about whether I'm being selfish by saying "I" all the time, I do mean that God was helping me through it all, just have to be more aware of it, thinking.
And then, to top the whole weekend off my dad came into my room and said goodnight etc, and then said this:

"The more the good grows, so does the evil."

I was actually stunned. The idea of the devil interfering in obvious obvious ways kinda makes me believe the reality of it all, that we are in a war and we're fighting against this dude. I sent a really angry text to a friend of mine ("that geeky guy" he is known as, thank you officer) which was me basically ranting about how much I hated the devil coz i had found out some crap that really scared me, and I realised that Satan can infiltrate anywhere and it gets worse the more you get more in with God. I hadn't ever experienced it like that, so physical, real. Totally freaks me out but gosh, God's got it sorted. Thinking I have so much to learn about stuff. Looking forward to it. Have to be aware that I do have to learn and take it all in, good and bad, and remember God's always there regardless. After I sent that text I felt something, and I don't know whether it was my body on hormonal overdrive because I was so angry with Satan (how weird does that sound) or whether God was just getting into me, even that tiny little bit. I like to think it was Him, I do think it was Him. It's grand. love you all.x

Friday

Friday was a day of MIRACLES!!! I had work experience at a residential home, full of wonderful, crazy old people. That day was a CRAZY day. 2 miracles happened:
1. One old lady, who is 93, I'll call her "E" had a mental breakdown, basically didn't have a clue who she was or where she was. This obviously was quite stressful for her so I sat with her and held her hand, tried to reassure her, talk to her quietly, but she didn't seem to be getting any better. So another lady, who was sitting with us, was trying to reassure her with the fact that her son, who comes to see her every SATURDAY was going to see her soon, but that didn't work either, so this old lady "M" prayed, telling us that she didn't usually pray out loud, but that she prayed "properly" every night, but this time she did it in front of everyone. And she prayed that God would help E. MINUTES after she said this prayer, who else but E's SON walks into the room!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS INCREDIBLE!!!!!!! God did a miracle that day, and the I reassured the lady who said the prayer that the prayer had worked and she burst into tears as she was so overcome by everything. IT ROCKED!!! MIRACLE, YES IT'S A MIRACLE.....
2. This isn't so exciting because it's about me and shorter with not so much waffle. But a lady "F" was sitting with us and we were all playing dominoes. Well this lady F has serious dementia, like memory of a goldfish, she is wonderful though. But this time, she looked at me, with a "I'm totally with it" look, and she said to me "I felt His *points finger up at ceiling* prescence when you walked into here. I'm serious." now this is quite a big thing for me because I've had a lot of trouble with feeling God recently and stuff, and for her to say this was unbelievable. more later. have to go.

Mountains!!

Heaven

I watched Ice Age 2 today, banterful film, and at the end the squirrel dies, or nearly does. So, of course, he goes to heaven, and his heaven has LOTS and LOTS of, you guessed it, acorns!!!! yay!!! squirrel finally has achieved his life-long goal of getting, not just one acorn, but an infinite amount of acorns. everyone cheer for the squirrel!!! wooo!!! got me thinking, everything does....


HEAVEN IS GOING TO ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


however, getting to heaven a the hard part. The hardest part is getting OTHER PEOPLE to heaven. but man, it's fun and i wouldn't have it any other way.randomosity.love.xx

Showers

See when you're having a shower do you ever think about stuff thats just random for ages and then have this really amazing thought? Maybe it's just me, but you should try it, showers are a great time for doing that. Anyway i was thinking in the shower about Snow Patrol (random thought) then all of a sudden the lyrics to "Run" i think came into my head (dunno if that's the right name for the song):

"Light up, light up,
As if you had/have (oops..) a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice.
I'll be right beside you..."

Right so these lyrics came into my head (good amazing thought) and then, tada, Candle of the Lord also sprang up into sight. Now there are a few links with many aspects of my life and God etc so am a little like hmm...:
1. "Light up" - links with candle, from candle of the Lord, coz that's what i want to be, and if this is God telling me something then He's telling me to light up and be a light and while I'm typing this I'm like "yay!!!" so if both songs affect me with the whole light thing then maybe its a subtle hint.
2.Technically i don't have a choice about lighting up coz that's what a Christian should be. maybe i have to reaffirm my faith or something, but i barely have a faith so first of all i have to actually affirm it.
3. "Even if you cannot hear my voice" - this is the most poignant part, my head is literally ringing with these words as I'm typing this. I cannot hear God's voice just now, in ANY aspect of my life whatsoever, which is soooooo scary, had a couple hours of blind panic on thursday night because i found out what is like to not have a faith, no belief in God whatsoever, a non-existant entity devised for an excuse for life, that's what went through my head, but thankfully i have done a many -point turn and am nearly back on the tarmac.
If this is from God (guys you're gonna have to help me out with that coz im not so good with the whole "Is it God/Is it me just interpreting something?" thing) then He is actually saying to me "Don't worry about just now, just keep on going strong with what you know and trust, and you will find me. Keep being a light, I'll deal with the rest. You will hear me one day. love you kid."
maybe part of that is what i like to think He's saying, i honestly don't know. if you leave a comment when you read this so i know that i can come chat to you, coz wanna work this out. love and all that jazz.xx

"Breathe on me, Breath of God,
Until my heart is pure,
Until with Thee I will one will,
To do and to endure."

At the back on my KJV there is a songbook of sorts, and it has that amazing hymn, which the verse above is taken from. I was just flicking through and saw it (little holy moment while I was listening to the Parachutes album). And i was thinking purity is so difficult for me.To be pure in mind, heart, soul and body. Quite a challenge. One that is always gonna be huge for me, 'cause I know that this is one of my biggest areas of weakness. But the first verse is beautiful:

"Breathe on me, Breath of God;
Fill me with life anew,
That I may love what Thou dost love,
And do what Thou wouldst do."

I'll leave myself and you with that wonderful request. love to all.xx

Steph the Shark Saviour

I saved a shark yesterday. Was at a beach near Cambeltown due to being at Inverarey and all for hols, and yeah so was on this beach and there was a dogfish beached on the sand. so everyone was like "oh dear" etc etc and it was still alive so i picked it up (understatement, description later) and put it in the water. took two attempts coz the wonderful, stupid fish wouldnt swim away. and then we realised that it was a mummy shark (dudududududududuuuu) and it had been laying mermaids purses, and there was a baby shark in a little pouch not far away from where mummy shark got rescued nad it was like wow, creation is so incredible, INCREDIBLE!!!! aw man, this actual living thing had just given birth, basically, to baby sharks! sorry, but that just overwhelms me. and when i picked this animal, this living thing up, to realise it was living and breathing and had a heart and lungs and everything and i was holding it, like what an honour. yeah i know it was just a shark, but wow. it stranded itself a second time and i had to wade in and direct it to a safe bit with no current and i saw it swim away...hoping that will stay with me for a long time. of course my dc's got absolutely soaked by the waves, boo, but because they are the shoes that go and do everything with me it seems rather apt. anyway the whole escapade seriously made me think about life, and death, and God and people. i sat in the hotel room and realised that i am in fact absolutely terrified of death. and my belief in God, it's wavering. and i don't know why. i so wanna explain it in a way that won't bore you all,but that's not possible really, so i'll leave it for another day. its' so simple, yet so complex. i look at cities and houses and motorways and cars and i'm just like where is God in this? then i look at the shark, the mountains, the army, kids church, band, my friends and im like, yeah god's there. but what happens if im not with these things all the time? faith goes, and it sucks. i wanna feel alive. aw yeah, was thinking about this in the car. at a moment of not so much doubt i was like yeah, god's here, god is in this world without a doubt, and then a realised that i wanna feel, actually feel something in me, that i know is god, a flame, a heat, a silence (love you Elijah), anything. as im writing this just now i know that im loving this search for God, actually loving it so much coz i know that when i get this dude in my life properly, unwaveringly then its gonna be so sorted and then we (me an God) can do so many things without my doubt, my fear, just with elation and thankfulness. hmm, im thinking a roots trip is going to take place for definite. because then i will be only a week til official adulthood (pleeeeeeease give me ideas for what to do for my 18th) and it will all be very good. hmm, my friend was saying in his blog about in the world not of it and yeah, iv had that and i love it, i want more of it. i want more of it. love to you pals.xx

Space - the amazing, beautiful, brought to us by Hubble final frontier

Yesterday was a thinking day. I was at the Gyle, taking my mind off rubbish things and we were up in the fod court, and I was looking outside, and I could see the sky, which was a pale blue from the sunset on one side and a dark, thick blue on the other, with clouds here and there. And i could see some of the offices that have their home around the Gyle. But i kept getting an image in my head (left). for those who don't know that picture was taken by the Hubble Telescope. It is of the Universe, and some of those dots are from the beginning of creation. so i had this image in my head, and I was like wow, that is all out there. This whole earth thing is so insignificant, yet so wonderful, I can't quite fathom yet the whole thing. I love this picture so much. it makes me think about the bigger picture, coz it really is the bigger picture. it made me not so worried, coz for us to be here, on this planet, randomly, when all that is out there, there has to be something going on. and so my quest for God continues with fervour. The rest of my family were not so appreciative, but im thankful i have this mind. it can be a bummer with doubt, but when it thinks about these things, aw, man its just incredible. so yeah, all that is out there, and I am sitting typing about it on a computer. hmm..it just seems so incredibly unbalanced, but maybe that's love. cheers God. love.xxx

well guys. found out yesterday that I can't get into Edinburgh or Glasgow to study medicine. I am distraught. Spent so long crying yesterday that my eyes are still burning. Phoned the admissions office up yesterday, don't think I will ever forget that phone-call. I don't have a clue what to do. My options are as follows:
1. Give up completely on medicine, focus on 6 courses in science and get everything done by Jan.15th
2. Stick with medicine but doctor personal statement so that I can apply to science courses as well in the short time I have of 2 days.
3. Just rely on getting into Dundee or St. Andrews and leave the personal statement the way it is, but still apply for a course in sciences.
My mind is so numb and in shock. Am now just killing myself over the fact that I thought I could get into Glasgow as well. What a tube...The thought of being away from home terrifies me, especially Dundee, and I don't wanna be away from Gorgie. Am terrified too, 'cause I did some crap to myself and I can't tell my parents. I feel like I've let everyone down. People were rooting for me to get into medicine, and I still wanna, and maybe Edinburgh isn't the place for me, maybe I'm meant to be in Dundee, but still, everyone knows that I wanna do medicine, and if I give up then it's all so screwed. But if I move up to Dundee what if I lose relationships down here? I've already lost Laura, I don't wanna lose anyone else. Everytime I think about going to Dundee now I'm just like " this could be it, either i'm meant to go there or I'm not". bugger. sorry. the dwain quote has never been so meaningful, never ever. I am at a dead end and my options are slowly but surely closing in on me. Flip, flip flip flip flip. My arm hurts, a constant reminder, at least for the next few days. It's quite ugly. Such a mess just now. Mr Todd, the best teacher ever ever ever has helped me though, encouragement and all, but again, rooting for me to go to medicine, but what if it don't happen. Dundee? Someone said that they'd love me there but I'm not so sure. Man, this is unreal, absolutely unreal. I have to go now coz people are talking about university courses, I'm worried in case I'm gonna get bitter, I think it's quite a possibility, i don't wanna be like that. but anyway i have to go do a new personal statement. prayers please i need them so much. love.xxx