I don't know where to start in the slightest. Probably exams because that's the most prominent thing in my mind just now. My exams have sucked this semester. I don't know what has gone wrong, but they have gone disastrously. My studying has been awful i.e. I've barely done any and I don't know why. It's led to so many arguments and so so much stress and frustration that I'm just like wanting it to end. I don't want it to happen again, but I've been saying that every year since Highers. I had like a complete change in Higher, it was nuts, and I don't even know what that change was. It's like the (somewhat insane) drive I had for Standard Grades to do well in them has vanished, and it's just not come back. Or no, the drive to sit down and learn things has vanished, because my coursework has been fine, at least for chemistry. So I am now waiting, taking a break from studying for my last exam, which I'm probably going to fail no doubt, and hoping that come August I will have the drive back again. I wish I knew what's happened to my whole studying energy. it's like a chore just now. Sometimes I'm like what's the point? Had argument with Alistair about it so won't bore you with the details. And I'm trying to find ways of getting my studying back on track. Like, using my competitiveness, which I know is sooo the wrong thing to do, but that hasn't even worked, and to be quite frank I don't think I would want it to be my "solution" because it would turn me into the most horrible person. I'm bad enough as it is. And it's not like I don't want to do well, because I do, but again I go back to what's the point? (Basically, one of the thoughts I think frequently is if I work my bum off, but there are still going to be people who get the job or do better than me and are going to have the better prospects in life regardless then what's the point?) My parents think it's maybe that I'm not over medicine yet, and I don't think that's the reason because that's closed I think for me now so I don't think it's that. I just wish I knew and then I could get over it and get my work back on track. However I do hate being stuck in my room for days. My dad said to me that it felt like he hadn't spoken to me for ages because I'd been stuck in my room trying to force information to stay in my head because that's the only way it seems to work just now. I think, fundamentally, I'm a bit of a lazy ass. And I am, but for some reason I don't seem to care. Somethings gonna happen in my life where I'm gonna fall apart just because I don't get off my backside and do things. This is a really long blog sorry. I'm really writing to get it off my chest. I need to develop responsibility for myself. I wish I had a sign hanging in front of my face 24/7 that would remind me to just bloody well grow up a bit. I hate that I'm the start and source of so many of the arguments in my family. I hate that I never seem to change. I hate that I can't take criticisms and I hate that I'm now in the boy-who-cried-wolf situation where my parents or whoever think I'm being to harsh on myself because that's what I'm known for, but I am only just being reaslistic. I've gotten so bad that my early harshness actually truly applies to me now. I wish I could sort this out. I wish I could detox my mind and my life and learn to be responsible for little things and big things. I drive myself insane, I drive my parents insane, I probably get on peoples nerves quite a lot. What's wrong with me?!!! See, now I'm on a huge rant. An example of my lack or care, selfishness, lack of responsibility: my friends from school mean a whole lot to me. I know for a fact that of they had not been there I would not have survived 6th year. Yet for some obscene reason I barely keep in touch. It's not like it's flaming difficult, I have facebook, email, text, phones, yet one mate of mine I haven't spoken to in over 5 months. I just don't think that's right, and it's not. So why on earth do I not change? Why do I keep making excuses? Argh.....what else. My phone. My phone is like a credit card, hence the reason I will never ever ever take out a credit card ever. I pay a ridiculous amount for my phonebill every month because I am so stupid with it. I'm going to be tripling the amount I'm supposed to be paying this month. Thankfully I have a job to cover this, but it's still absolutely stupid. And having money is no excuse because the rate I'm going I'm not gonna have much left. But why do I not change? What stops me from learning not to be stupid anymore?! Longest blog ever methinks. Jings. I think that's me worded out, probably for the best. I just hope...meh, I don't even know what to hope. I just want to stop this complete immature irresponsibleness. I have all these thoughts going through my had right now, and I just wish they would shutup. I think I need help. Thanks for reading.