I don't believe in God anymore.
I think it's official. The God that I believed in was only an imaginary one, one that wasn't real, like a tree or my cat (ok, so I don't know whether they're real either, but that screws up with my head). I've been struggling with this for a while (4 years in fact) and I've tried to sort it, but I haven't been able to.
It's very lonely not believing. I wish I did, cause then....well I dunno, things would make sense. I would have something bigger to rely on instead of just myself (or is that just a way out of taking responsibility?). I might even have a plan for my life. I'd have someone to thank for how awesome my life has actually been. I'd have something to explain the intricacy of life on this planet, and in turn something to give praise to.
And it's not like I'm even turning away from Christianity and exploring other religions. Christianity is still what i want to follow, even if, at the end of all things, maybe it is a lot of whooey.
I feel awful (awful) saying this, there's so much that has happened in my life that couldn't be just the ordinary workings of the universe (hah, ordinary...) But, hmph, I guess if I don't admit there's a problem then I'm never going to get it fixed....
And I've tried to fix it. Reading books, talking to some people (person), going over it again and again and again in my head. But it's not changing anything. I still don't believe in a REAL God. I don't want an imaginary one that's been conjured up by the things I've read. There have been numerous occasions where I just can't take it anymore and I cry. This leads to conversations with my dad and they are really good and informative and give me some kind of hope that this is going to go away, but I need more than that (What, I do not know). I hate that crying, because, I dunno, it feels so strange. It's almost like I'm crying about nothing.
I want there to be something out there, so I can show people it, so I can give them hope too. I can still lead a good life, but I need to know that this life isn't the end. I need to know that love and hope and happiness aren't just fleeting emotions, done away with at death, that the stuff that holds this universe together is something other than physics (however beautiful it is), something beyond anything that I can comprehend (which would then mean that I wouldn't be able to believe, if I couldn't comprehend it then it would have to be imaginary) but still be able to get a glimpse of it. And yeah, creation is that glimpse maybe, and love and friendship and all the other little heavens on earth that there are, but for some reason it's not enough, and it sucks. And now I'm getting angry with myself, so I'd better go. (One other thing, stuff like "why does bad stuff happen to good people?", that doesn't "put me off" believing in a Deity, because I'm gonna get crap in my life too, maybe it will when I face it, but just now it doesn't, and I'm actually pretty thankful for that, but this is just an aside).
I want to believe. I hope that's enough, and I hope that stays with me until I get this sorted out. I want this to be sorted out.
I want to believe.
3 comments:
Steph,
Thanks for your honesty.
I can remember when I was studying doctrine at college and I felt the exact same as you. I found myslef in this paradoxical state: I was reading and studying about a God, some sort of God, a God that I never knew before - but was feeling nothing: what had happened? I couldn't make sense of it!
I read this in the bible: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5)
There's a guy called brother Lawerence who felt the same as you. He found it hard to 'practice the presence of God'. He had a few good ideas how this could be done and now his letters have been published. So-much-so, they are deemed as a 'christian classic'. I was going to re-read them over the next few days, but I think you could do with it.
That is very honest and open of you, too many people hide such struggles.
I wish I could show you something, say something that would help, but I can't, not that it is going to stop me trying to put my thinking into words. Such struggles although they can be shared and talked about are very much a personal thing, your friends are there for you.
For me, I found that to know that God exists, in a way for Him to prove it to me, I needed to feel his presence. Now, I have never had an amazingly close relationship with God, not one where I could reach out and touch Him, yet every so often he does kick me in the head and reminds me of himself. Sometimes it is in the beauty of nature, music, art, science, or worship, when sometimes suddenly the beauty becomes more, it increases to a place where my heart swells with an indescribable feeling. It is not often, in fact is rare in my life but its a drug. You feel his presence even once and nothing will ever compare to it.
Know that Christ understands our pain, our anguish and not feeling the presence of God, on the cross, as he took the sins upon him, God, his father, the divine presence always with him turns its back on him.
I say with confidence that God will reward your searching and seeking and he will make himself real to you. You will not expect it, it may even be some time from now, but suddenly you will be confronted by “one moment of perfect beauty”.
I don't know if I have helped or just barfed words on to the screen, may what is true become real, and what is false disappear like smoke in the wind. So , before I sign off, it may be that the following is true for you:
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” (Psalm 139)
Oh, and I always find the words of this song to be quite good:
http://www.christianrocklyrics.com/77s/forcryingoutloud.php
Shalom.
sorry to hear you're going through such a hard time Steph.
I've heard that many Christians question their faith, only to come through it stronger than before. You trust your God don't you? You trust and have faith that He will always be there for you when you need Him?
I know I trust the Goddess and that She will be there always, watching and being there if you need Her. Next Esbat I'll ask Her to help you - I don't know if it will work but the most important thing to have is faith, no matter what God or Goddess you believe in.
On another note, I forgot my old blogger ID so I made a new one.
Keep faith and take care,
Sarah x
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