Ok, so on Sunday I wanted to blog, so on the bus (on the way back from Ayr) I wrote what I wanted to say. All of this stuff is relevant, maybe not right this second, but it has been, and it will probably still be in the future. It is a bit wishy-washy but the essentials are there. So, here you go:
It feels like it’s been a long day. Band were at Ayr, and I wasn’t really looking forward to it to be honest, and I was sad that I missed more of Hendon Band, but it was quite fun. I’m glad that people enjoyed it. I feel quite perplexed about things just now. A lot of things. The usual really. Faith, relationships, uni, future, pressures, life, responsibility. So, I’ll start with the first one.
Faith
My faith is in tatters. The last time I opened my Bible was August, the last time I prayed, properly, thoroughly and humbly I honestly can’t remember. Adam gave his testimony today at Ayr, he spoke about his lifestyle, his journey, answers to prayer. I could relate to all those things but the thing that got to me most was something he said. He spoke about a guy whose conversion is a pretty awesome thing really. But for the first time I asked a big, fat WHY. Why, why can I not have a saving experience just now? Cause frankly I’m not saved, I’m nowhere near it. I’ve even stopped searching and I always thought that even if I lost my faith I’d keep looking for it. For the first time I actually properly considered leaving the Army, but I really hope I won’t ever. But y’know, tonight was the first I’ve been upset about the state of my faith for months. There’s been times where I don’t even care, but then scary stuff like losing people I love, death, the point of living, all come into my head and I’ve found myself so completely lost (I cannot describe this feeling to you, how awful it is) and despairing, utterly desparate just for SOMETHING to click, anything, just like it does for so many people. And I say saved (instead of became a Christian) because I don’t even want to think about the lifestyle part yet. So it’s “saved”. Op, lost my train of thought, rubbish, and I don’t want to say this to worry people, I’m just fed up of kidding myself that this is fixed or that I’m ok with NOT BELIEVING IN ANYTHING. Cause I SO AM NOT. I feel like a huffy, “it’s not fair” child. And I don’t even feel like a hypocrite now, I’ve just stopped. Stopped feeling anything. At least until now. But what scares me now is that “God” is just a word. It has no meaning for me now. I don’t (and for some reason just now) I can’t believe.
So that’s my faith. Relationships next. Oh, even more fun. You might find this bit a bit whiney. I don’t know where I am in my relationships just now. That scares me too. I feel like I don’t know who I am just niow, which then in turn affects how people see me right? Sometimes I actually feel like I’m completely different from who I know I am inside. I’m this shy, so totally insecure person, who feels sometimes completely socially inept. And I hate it. Cause all I want people to see is that I love chatting, I love just being with people, and I’m just so worried that people around my own age see me as some kind of nutter, that I end up actually thinking I am. I’m not joking, I wish I could me more confident with everyone. I get easily intimidated too, and I know for a fact that people do not intend to be like that, it’s just me I guess. So yeah, all the above affects me, which affects my relationship, which affects me, it’s a cycle that sucks. It makes me so sad.
My word this is depressing. Ok, uni. Future will probably come into this as well so two birds, one stone. Brilliant. Uni, as my Facebook status has shown has not gone too swimmingly, at least the first two weeks. It’s good now though, cause I have A PLAN. My plan is to go get my first degree then hopefully go do a med. Degree. And you know know what? Nothing scares me more than the prospect of not getting in. I want to make medicine my life. It’s one thing I know I actually want to strive for. I wish I had more time to do more to make my chances of getting in so huge, cause I don’t know what else I would do with my life. I want it to be my life. So it involves working hard. And I’m a stressball so it’s gonna be tiring and hard and tough. But it’ll be so so so worth it!!!
But I don’t want to talk about that anymore. Underlying EVERY SINGLE THING in my life is my lack of faith. I think I’m actually out of words. There’s nothing more to say cause that’s really all my thoughts from today.
I feel like my life is moving so fast, too fast. There’s no time, no place to stop and think. I’m not comfy thinking at home or at the army. And I have no answers so all this stuff is just going over and over in my head. I’ve lost the ability to find wonder in things. I can’t stop and contemplate, I end up totally despairing about everything.
BUT, I’ve finally been challenged. I’ve thought new thoughts. For the first time in ages, ages and ages something has been said that made me think. THINK! And just now I feel hopeful but also frustrated cause I know I’ll probably just sink back into not being myself, not thinking. I made a list of things I want to do over the year, doesn’t seem to be happening though. I’m stuck in traffic writing this and I’m afraid I’m going to start rambling, so I’m going to shutup. But I do wish I had an environment to think in. I wish uni wasn’t overtaking everything in my life, and I’m scared of the sacrifices I’m going to have to make.
I don’t think people realise what they do for me, every single one of them. Want to say thanks. Would be lost, screwed without them. Thanks.xxx
As I was nearing the end of my journey I made the choice (mistake maybe) of having a theological discussion with Adam and Iain. Some things helped, some didn't. It did make me very uneasy about the state of my spiritual affairs, and stubborn and unforgiving I've become to seeing a different point of view other than my own, which is really not so good because when you're chatting to people on what is at such a personal level, you can't be doing with the my view is the only view. What else? I do feel better about some of the stuff above, but like I said, it is in my head more often than not. I just had to get it off my chest. Sometimes my thoughts are too much for my poor wee mind!!!!
Hope this hasn't been too boring.
Stephx
2 comments:
aww Steph. Don't worry - we'll all be here for you, whenever you need us. Just talk - I'll listen and I'll certainly not judge. Try not to let uni take over your life. Take time out once a day or every few days and try to relax. Stick to that and it can work wonders. Sometimes I feel like yelling at my mum for not understanding me, then I hide myself in my room, put pen to paper and write how I feel. That's what helps me then mum can read that. I'll also have a bath on friday nights and just lie in the hot water and think.
As for missing Ali, I can't honestly help you there but I will say this. You are lucky to have someone who cares for you like that, who will be there for you even though he's in Glasgow right now.
Faith wise - well, would you trust a Pagan's observations? My grandma's teaching flood back - Christians believe that God is always there and will never turn His back on you, no matter what. He is your father, your guide, your light. He protects you, from what I don't know, and He is always there to turn to. Don't turn away from Him. I believe in Him too you know, but I worship Him in another way, one that speaks to me more than sitting in a church. You will find your faith again. My grandma once told me that her faith wandered once her husband died but when she fell ill that last time, she found solace in her belief and it helped her through the pain.
Don't do anything silly - talk to me or Callum or Ali. We're all here for you, ready to listen.
There are many thing I could say but I won't, mainly as Sarah has spoken some wise words already.
However, what I will say is that I have found myself in a similar situation when it comes to what you mentioned about your faith. So I would really recommend you make time to get some spiritual food, be it podcasts, a cell group, books, or something.
Yes it all takes time but its worth it, and podcasts are good as you can listen to them when travelling etc. If you have trouble getting podcasts I can give you a few if you want.
Take comfort, you have many friends and we are there for you if you need us.
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