You know what? I think I'm becoming really complacent about things. Like actually everything. Bad stuff and good stuff does not seem to make an impression on me sometimes. Like if I told you half the stuff that doesn't make an impression on me you'd think I was nuts. Stuff like:
cancer
homosexuality
drugs
murder
burglary
death
(sometimes) love
happiness
money
music
See. What I think the deal is here is that I just think that all that bad stuff is so not going to happen to me. And I know that is so nuts, because their is every chance some of that stuff is going to happen to me, and in the caase of death it's certain. And while I can't abide the thought of murder and adultery and stuff, it doesn't rile me up as much as it used too. I think I'm scared of it happening to me. I think I'm going through a mid-teenage crisis. Everything seems so messed up to me just now. I hate the fact that I don't feel anything for these things anymore. Like I never used to think about death, now sometimes I don't want to go out the house. Homosexuality used to be considered really wrong by me, yet now I don't really care that much. Cancer, I mean I know it's bad, but it doesn't strike anything deeper in me than that-that it's bad. It's really troubling me, all this. I used to be such a deep feeler. I am still for good things like love and friendship and family, but some things just seem to strike a wall in my mind whenever I think about them and they only go a certain way to making me feel anything about them, then it stops. Sorry about the rambling, it's just that I've been trying to sort this out and word it in a way that I can try and get out of it. I don't know whether it's cause I'm growing up or what and I bet all of you who read this will be like omw, what is wrong with her, but I really do hate this. I want out of it. It gives me a false sense of reailty and reduces my effectiveness in helping people in this imperfect world. Helping myself, in this imperfect world. I think I need some help.
Please don't think I'm some sort of nutter. I just had to get my thoughts down, and ask for help with this.
Help. Please.
Love.x
2 comments:
Some random musings, which are in no order, or cohesive thought for that matter, and as usual for me they do go on a bit...:
- Sometime we don't really think about, or give much attention to, most things outside our spheres of immediate concern. Until, that is, one of them suddenly impacts and throws us off.
- "don't feel anything for these things anymore" - probably not true, they have just become less of a concern, or less important, but they are still there otherwise you would not miss their diminishing
- having less that gets you annoyed is always a good thing
- there are always things that are wrong, then there are things that are wrong but harm others, now while they are both wrong should our attention focus on the ones that harm others more?
- the mind grows and changes, I believe that between 18 and 25, university years, what we have been taught and told as truths are suddenly thrust into examination and we must study and examine them to see if they are true, or not.
- This reality is false. What we see is not truth, it is a veiled and greyed out existence, the pure truth obscured by the fallen nature of this reality. True Reality is the one to come, one which is unhindered and unfettered by falsehoods and concerns.
- if you really do feel that you have become complacent then may I recommend bringing it before God in prayer and asking Him to renew passions and "convict" you if you have become complacent.
...
Probably not much help, it may just give more questions, but hopefully some of it may be good for something.
Laters
Steph i've always thought of you as a bit of a nutter, and i love you for it. I agree with lurch, the uni years are a pain for this stuff, example, I went to uni convinced I would be happy in chem eng because its academic and would get me a job, because thats what i've been brought up with. This is when we start evaluating what we believe and what we've been taught by other people and by our experiences. Don't stress out about being confused or frustrated. Love you!!!
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