Hmm...slightly discouraged. Was looking at people's blogs and they are all so focused on God, and I mean that's amazing and all, I just want mine to be the same and it isn't. And I hate this crappy font. So yeah, God stuff I've been thinking about recently:
1. God - where is He in my life? I can't find Him anywhere. I prayed He'd give me a map, and I haven't even found that yet. And if I don't believe in God, which is possibly filling in quite a lot of my spirituality just now, then I'm screwed. It's so scary, and yeah part of me is like "oh dear..." but then another part of me, I've just realised, is just like "do I actually give a toss?!"!!! like what is going on? I need prayers....got so depressed on Saturday I did some bad stuff again, freaked my rents out an all. But where is He, I need Him in my life. Hmm...wanna cry but can't. Got some serious praying to do. Like I don't actually believe a word of it just now, yet last night I was like "God's totally with us all." what goes on in my head? And am obssessed with the end. I don't know why but I am. "Bringing in the sheaves" pah...harvesting of people's souls, eugh, like it makes our ultimate goal sound nothing more than doing exactly that, meh, golly, we're supposed to care for these people, Christians or not. Maybe I'm looking to deep, never mind. I just wanna see more of God. Why do I believe in Jesus and not in God? Well, because I believe in love, and God's love for us, but I don't believe in God as powerful, or anyhting like that, yeah creation and all, that blows my mind, but who are we to try and understand that with science etc. Wish I could just submerge myself in all things religious and holy for the rest of my life, and try and help people find their way to God, dont wanna do flaming medicine meh. I wish I had faith, so much I wish it, so much. I hate not having faith, a visible faith, coz I don't think it is visible in the slightest. yeah, ok, i read my bible, pray, but i dont actually believe. I pretend to myself that Im doing the right blooming thing but really im just a cow. God, i hate myself right now. I said 2 nights ago that I hated God, it was infinity times worse saying that to Him than saying it to my parents. But where is He? Where? I've been watching the starlings preparing to migrate, it's like those pictures you see on tv, with David Attenbourough blabbering on in the background, and I see the mountains from my bedroom, and I'm like wow, sheer awe. but where is God in my life? where? I'm such a failure. I've failed Him so much and I hate it. My friend Alistair gave me a quote from screwtape letters a few weeks ago, it's helped me loads and goes something like this:

"He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles."

But I don't want Him to withdraw His hand coz I can't do anything without His help. I prayed for something really important to me recently, and I can't make out whether He's wanting me to deal with it by myself, with Him as my little safety net, little? no, humungous safety net. I feel really lost, my life has no direction, I don't think I wanna do medicine anymore and that's scary coz my rents will disown me, I said to my mum and she was like no don't think so. So, am now thouroughly depressed, wanna cry,but at school, so not the done thing. I can't see how something as wonderful as a God who loves everything so much is real, when the life I'm living is real. If both are real how come I only experience one? But there's moments when I just feel God, He's not saying anything, I just feel comfort in the fact that maybe He is actually around. But then the feeeling goes, and He's gone. This is probably the worst doubting Thomas phase ever. The devil is using my mind against me. I hate the Devil, I llove saying that. I need strength and I want God more than anything else, ever. But I do hate the Devil, and maybe if I believe in a Devil then surely there must be a God? No, there is a God, maybe I don't know Him yet, maybe I've never known Him? I don't have a clue anymore. I'm just floating on nothing just now, no direction, no God, no faith. I hate it, and I hate me for not believing, coz i wanna so bad. And i don't wanna convince myself there "has to be a God" etc etc coz i know that I'm capable of that, and i know and accept it's an option im aware of, no, i want to experience the LIVING GOD, and I want Him to live in me. I have to do some thinking, spend more time at the corps, the more i'm away the worse it gets. I'm screwed. Sorry guys. Sorry God. love.xx