An Update of Sorts

Ok, so on Sunday I wanted to blog, so on the bus (on the way back from Ayr) I wrote what I wanted to say. All of this stuff is relevant, maybe not right this second, but it has been, and it will probably still be in the future. It is a bit wishy-washy but the essentials are there. So, here you go:


It feels like it’s been a long day. Band were at Ayr, and I wasn’t really looking forward to it to be honest, and I was sad that I missed more of Hendon Band, but it was quite fun. I’m glad that people enjoyed it. I feel quite perplexed about things just now. A lot of things. The usual really. Faith, relationships, uni, future, pressures, life, responsibility. So, I’ll start with the first one.
Faith
My faith is in tatters. The last time I opened my Bible was August, the last time I prayed, properly, thoroughly and humbly I honestly can’t remember. Adam gave his testimony today at Ayr, he spoke about his lifestyle, his journey, answers to prayer. I could relate to all those things but the thing that got to me most was something he said. He spoke about a guy whose conversion is a pretty awesome thing really. But for the first time I asked a big, fat WHY. Why, why can I not have a saving experience just now? Cause frankly I’m not saved, I’m nowhere near it. I’ve even stopped searching and I always thought that even if I lost my faith I’d keep looking for it. For the first time I actually properly considered leaving the Army, but I really hope I won’t ever. But y’know, tonight was the first I’ve been upset about the state of my faith for months. There’s been times where I don’t even care, but then scary stuff like losing people I love, death, the point of living, all come into my head and I’ve found myself so completely lost (I cannot describe this feeling to you, how awful it is) and despairing, utterly desparate just for SOMETHING to click, anything, just like it does for so many people. And I say saved (instead of became a Christian) because I don’t even want to think about the lifestyle part yet. So it’s “saved”. Op, lost my train of thought, rubbish, and I don’t want to say this to worry people, I’m just fed up of kidding myself that this is fixed or that I’m ok with NOT BELIEVING IN ANYTHING. Cause I SO AM NOT. I feel like a huffy, “it’s not fair” child. And I don’t even feel like a hypocrite now, I’ve just stopped. Stopped feeling anything. At least until now. But what scares me now is that “God” is just a word. It has no meaning for me now. I don’t (and for some reason just now) I can’t believe.

So that’s my faith. Relationships next. Oh, even more fun. You might find this bit a bit whiney. I don’t know where I am in my relationships just now. That scares me too. I feel like I don’t know who I am just niow, which then in turn affects how people see me right? Sometimes I actually feel like I’m completely different from who I know I am inside. I’m this shy, so totally insecure person, who feels sometimes completely socially inept. And I hate it. Cause all I want people to see is that I love chatting, I love just being with people, and I’m just so worried that people around my own age see me as some kind of nutter, that I end up actually thinking I am. I’m not joking, I wish I could me more confident with everyone. I get easily intimidated too, and I know for a fact that people do not intend to be like that, it’s just me I guess. So yeah, all the above affects me, which affects my relationship, which affects me, it’s a cycle that sucks. It makes me so sad.

My word this is depressing. Ok, uni. Future will probably come into this as well so two birds, one stone. Brilliant. Uni, as my Facebook status has shown has not gone too swimmingly, at least the first two weeks. It’s good now though, cause I have A PLAN. My plan is to go get my first degree then hopefully go do a med. Degree. And you know know what? Nothing scares me more than the prospect of not getting in. I want to make medicine my life. It’s one thing I know I actually want to strive for. I wish I had more time to do more to make my chances of getting in so huge, cause I don’t know what else I would do with my life. I want it to be my life. So it involves working hard. And I’m a stressball so it’s gonna be tiring and hard and tough. But it’ll be so so so worth it!!!

But I don’t want to talk about that anymore. Underlying EVERY SINGLE THING in my life is my lack of faith. I think I’m actually out of words. There’s nothing more to say cause that’s really all my thoughts from today.
I feel like my life is moving so fast, too fast. There’s no time, no place to stop and think. I’m not comfy thinking at home or at the army. And I have no answers so all this stuff is just going over and over in my head. I’ve lost the ability to find wonder in things. I can’t stop and contemplate, I end up totally despairing about everything.
BUT, I’ve finally been challenged. I’ve thought new thoughts. For the first time in ages, ages and ages something has been said that made me think. THINK! And just now I feel hopeful but also frustrated cause I know I’ll probably just sink back into not being myself, not thinking. I made a list of things I want to do over the year, doesn’t seem to be happening though. I’m stuck in traffic writing this and I’m afraid I’m going to start rambling, so I’m going to shutup. But I do wish I had an environment to think in. I wish uni wasn’t overtaking everything in my life, and I’m scared of the sacrifices I’m going to have to make.
I don’t think people realise what they do for me, every single one of them. Want to say thanks. Would be lost, screwed without them. Thanks.xxx


As I was nearing the end of my journey I made the choice (mistake maybe) of having a theological discussion with Adam and Iain. Some things helped, some didn't. It did make me very uneasy about the state of my spiritual affairs, and stubborn and unforgiving I've become to seeing a different point of view other than my own, which is really not so good because when you're chatting to people on what is at such a personal level, you can't be doing with the my view is the only view. What else? I do feel better about some of the stuff above, but like I said, it is in my head more often than not. I just had to get it off my chest. Sometimes my thoughts are too much for my poor wee mind!!!!
Hope this hasn't been too boring.
Stephx

Why can I not take criticism?

It has plagued me my entire life, and it's so silly. I either go off into an immature huff or if I'm intimidated by the person I practically burst into tears and get scared. Why, why is criticism such a pain for me? I wonder if there are any psychologists who have studied it before...

Oh, and for the girls, I'm looking for shoes. Can anyone tell me a good shoe store that's not Schuh or Office (or Louboutin, well, a girl can dream...(and don't worry, I know that's not a shoe store...)).

And I also feel really stupid. You know where you do things spontaneously and don't really think about the consequences, or you don't think there will be any? Well, I did something that I'd wanted to do for ages, but now I'm just like hmm....was it such a good idea after all?

And I'm getting scared about my exam results. Meh.

Oh, and did anyone see Life After People last night? It was pretty interesting. What scared me most was the whole lack of consciousness thing. There would be no-one to look at the universe and question it, or to listen to a bird singing and think about how beautiful it sounds, or no-one to laugh and appreciate creation. That made me really really sad. I hate what humans are doing to the planet. I wish it could stop right now. But I dislike not knowing enough about it to have a conversation.

Hmm...that seems to happen a lot to me. Have a conversation, end up feeling thick. Ok, I'm gonna go now. Seem to be in a rant mood.

Thanks for putting up with me!!

love.x

I don't know where to start in the slightest. Probably exams because that's the most prominent thing in my mind just now. My exams have sucked this semester. I don't know what has gone wrong, but they have gone disastrously. My studying has been awful i.e. I've barely done any and I don't know why. It's led to so many arguments and so so much stress and frustration that I'm just like wanting it to end. I don't want it to happen again, but I've been saying that every year since Highers. I had like a complete change in Higher, it was nuts, and I don't even know what that change was. It's like the (somewhat insane) drive I had for Standard Grades to do well in them has vanished, and it's just not come back. Or no, the drive to sit down and learn things has vanished, because my coursework has been fine, at least for chemistry. So I am now waiting, taking a break from studying for my last exam, which I'm probably going to fail no doubt, and hoping that come August I will have the drive back again. I wish I knew what's happened to my whole studying energy. it's like a chore just now. Sometimes I'm like what's the point? Had argument with Alistair about it so won't bore you with the details. And I'm trying to find ways of getting my studying back on track. Like, using my competitiveness, which I know is sooo the wrong thing to do, but that hasn't even worked, and to be quite frank I don't think I would want it to be my "solution" because it would turn me into the most horrible person. I'm bad enough as it is. And it's not like I don't want to do well, because I do, but again I go back to what's the point? (Basically, one of the thoughts I think frequently is if I work my bum off, but there are still going to be people who get the job or do better than me and are going to have the better prospects in life regardless then what's the point?) My parents think it's maybe that I'm not over medicine yet, and I don't think that's the reason because that's closed I think for me now so I don't think it's that. I just wish I knew and then I could get over it and get my work back on track. However I do hate being stuck in my room for days. My dad said to me that it felt like he hadn't spoken to me for ages because I'd been stuck in my room trying to force information to stay in my head because that's the only way it seems to work just now. I think, fundamentally, I'm a bit of a lazy ass. And I am, but for some reason I don't seem to care. Somethings gonna happen in my life where I'm gonna fall apart just because I don't get off my backside and do things. This is a really long blog sorry. I'm really writing to get it off my chest. I need to develop responsibility for myself. I wish I had a sign hanging in front of my face 24/7 that would remind me to just bloody well grow up a bit. I hate that I'm the start and source of so many of the arguments in my family. I hate that I never seem to change. I hate that I can't take criticisms and I hate that I'm now in the boy-who-cried-wolf situation where my parents or whoever think I'm being to harsh on myself because that's what I'm known for, but I am only just being reaslistic. I've gotten so bad that my early harshness actually truly applies to me now. I wish I could sort this out. I wish I could detox my mind and my life and learn to be responsible for little things and big things. I drive myself insane, I drive my parents insane, I probably get on peoples nerves quite a lot. What's wrong with me?!!! See, now I'm on a huge rant. An example of my lack or care, selfishness, lack of responsibility: my friends from school mean a whole lot to me. I know for a fact that of they had not been there I would not have survived 6th year. Yet for some obscene reason I barely keep in touch. It's not like it's flaming difficult, I have facebook, email, text, phones, yet one mate of mine I haven't spoken to in over 5 months. I just don't think that's right, and it's not. So why on earth do I not change? Why do I keep making excuses? Argh.....what else. My phone. My phone is like a credit card, hence the reason I will never ever ever take out a credit card ever. I pay a ridiculous amount for my phonebill every month because I am so stupid with it. I'm going to be tripling the amount I'm supposed to be paying this month. Thankfully I have a job to cover this, but it's still absolutely stupid. And having money is no excuse because the rate I'm going I'm not gonna have much left. But why do I not change? What stops me from learning not to be stupid anymore?! Longest blog ever methinks. Jings. I think that's me worded out, probably for the best. I just hope...meh, I don't even know what to hope. I just want to stop this complete immature irresponsibleness. I have all these thoughts going through my had right now, and I just wish they would shutup. I think I need help. Thanks for reading.

So much

There is so so much I want to share and talk about, but so much has gone out my head AND I'm going to get shunted off the computer in a minute to let my mum use the phone...(please, God, broadband soon!)
So...what have I been thinking about?
The one thing I can think of just now is that if I believed in God I would have trouble trusting him with the stuff in my life, because if things went wrong then I think I would end up not wanting to have a relationship with God because what's the point if things screw up that you asked him to take care of? Hmm...that's actually making me upset just now. Meh.
Hmm...what else? The one meeting that I went to on Easter sunday reinstated my faith in the army again, don't quite know how or why but it has. Saying that, it will probably falter again at some point. Guess that's life.
What else? Oh, if you could dig right into a human soul, what would you find? Goodness or badness?
Anyway, sorry this hasn't been very exciting, wish I had permanent access to this thing so I could write down everything that I think!!
Love.

I don't believe in God anymore.

I think it's official. The God that I believed in was only an imaginary one, one that wasn't real, like a tree or my cat (ok, so I don't know whether they're real either, but that screws up with my head). I've been struggling with this for a while (4 years in fact) and I've tried to sort it, but I haven't been able to.

It's very lonely not believing. I wish I did, cause then....well I dunno, things would make sense. I would have something bigger to rely on instead of just myself (or is that just a way out of taking responsibility?). I might even have a plan for my life. I'd have someone to thank for how awesome my life has actually been. I'd have something to explain the intricacy of life on this planet, and in turn something to give praise to.

And it's not like I'm even turning away from Christianity and exploring other religions. Christianity is still what i want to follow, even if, at the end of all things, maybe it is a lot of whooey.

I feel awful (awful) saying this, there's so much that has happened in my life that couldn't be just the ordinary workings of the universe (hah, ordinary...) But, hmph, I guess if I don't admit there's a problem then I'm never going to get it fixed....

And I've tried to fix it. Reading books, talking to some people (person), going over it again and again and again in my head. But it's not changing anything. I still don't believe in a REAL God. I don't want an imaginary one that's been conjured up by the things I've read. There have been numerous occasions where I just can't take it anymore and I cry. This leads to conversations with my dad and they are really good and informative and give me some kind of hope that this is going to go away, but I need more than that (What, I do not know). I hate that crying, because, I dunno, it feels so strange. It's almost like I'm crying about nothing.

I want there to be something out there, so I can show people it, so I can give them hope too. I can still lead a good life, but I need to know that this life isn't the end. I need to know that love and hope and happiness aren't just fleeting emotions, done away with at death, that the stuff that holds this universe together is something other than physics (however beautiful it is), something beyond anything that I can comprehend (which would then mean that I wouldn't be able to believe, if I couldn't comprehend it then it would have to be imaginary) but still be able to get a glimpse of it. And yeah, creation is that glimpse maybe, and love and friendship and all the other little heavens on earth that there are, but for some reason it's not enough, and it sucks. And now I'm getting angry with myself, so I'd better go. (One other thing, stuff like "why does bad stuff happen to good people?", that doesn't "put me off" believing in a Deity, because I'm gonna get crap in my life too, maybe it will when I face it, but just now it doesn't, and I'm actually pretty thankful for that, but this is just an aside).

I want to believe. I hope that's enough, and I hope that stays with me until I get this sorted out. I want this to be sorted out.

I want to believe.

Aaaaaaaaaaargh.......

SO much information!

SO little time to process!

SYSTEM OVERLOAD

THIS SYSTEM WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN T MINUS 5 SECONDS

4.

3.

2.

1.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!













(Why can't I just sit in a field with pretty flowers and look at the sky?)

So much to say, so forgetful.....meh.

One day I will post, once I get my head around what I think, and when I remember.

However, I do want to rant.

1. Emerging Christianity
2. The Salvation Army
3. Essential
4. Change

I think that there is my list. Lecture time, so will get back to it soon. Cheerio!!!

Blogging For the Sake of Blogging

I have nothing much to say today.
Great, isn't it?
Let's see...

I wish I had something to say...

Might do some research on a random topic and then write about it.

Or not.

You know what I'm thinking just now (apart from that I'm really sleepy)? I'm thinking I want to study my Bible loads. I've probably already shared this. But like, I actually want to know my Bible inside-out, like a Jew, cause I think that's amazing. How great would it be to be a Rabbi's apprentice. Is that sad? It's strange though. I'm reading my Bible but not studying it. I started reading a theology book and took notes and stuff, but I wasn't actually thinking about it. Nothing got me questioning. I want to ask questions but nothing to ask them about!!! Meh!!!

Psalms are amazing btw. I know you all know, but humour me, one who is not so well-versed in the far reachingness of the Bible. Got really blown away though. Read from like Psalm 50-odd to Psalm 65-odd and everything I read was relevant to me. Does that happen everytime? Like, if I had opened my Bible at I dunno, Habbakuk, would I have still found something relevant?

Interpretation is such an interesting thing.

You know what I really want to do? Theology. Wish i could do theology without doing it at uni. wish I could read loads of books. Hmm...I think I need to dramatically change my time usage.

What else?

It would be great to have like a set list of things that I have to concentrate on and I could only concentrate on them. Hmm...might do that.

Anyways better go to maths.

Sorry for my ramblings.