TheMessage

An Update of Sorts

2008-10-07T19:23:00.002+01:00

Ok, so on Sunday I wanted to blog, so on the bus (on the way back from Ayr) I wrote what I wanted to say. All of this stuff is relevant, maybe not right this second, but it has been, and it will probably still be in the future. It is a bit wishy-washy but the essentials are there. So, here you go:

It feels like it’s been a long day. Band were at Ayr, and I wasn’t really looking forward to it to be honest, and I was sad that I missed more of Hendon Band, but it was quite fun. I’m glad that people enjoyed it. I feel quite perplexed about things just now. A lot of things. The usual really. Faith, relationships, uni, future, pressures, life, responsibility. So, I’ll start with the first one.
Faith
My faith is in tatters. The last time I opened my Bible was August, the last time I prayed, properly, thoroughly and humbly I honestly can’t remember. Adam gave his testimony today at Ayr, he spoke about his lifestyle, his journey, answers to prayer. I could relate to all those things but the thing that got to me most was something he said. He spoke about a guy whose conversion is a pretty awesome thing really. But for the first time I asked a big, fat WHY. Why, why can I not have a saving experience just now? Cause frankly I’m not saved, I’m nowhere near it. I’ve even stopped searching and I always thought that even if I lost my faith I’d keep looking for it. For the first time I actually properly considered leaving the Army, but I really hope I won’t ever. But y’know, tonight was the first I’ve been upset about the state of my faith for months. There’s been times where I don’t even care, but then scary stuff like losing people I love, death, the point of living, all come into my head and I’ve found myself so completely lost (I cannot describe this feeling to you, how awful it is) and despairing, utterly desparate just for SOMETHING to click, anything, just like it does for so many people. And I say saved (instead of became a Christian) because I don’t even want to think about the lifestyle part yet. So it’s “saved”. Op, lost my train of thought, rubbish, and I don’t want to say this to worry people, I’m just fed up of kidding myself that this is fixed or that I’m ok with NOT BELIEVING IN ANYTHING. Cause I SO AM NOT. I feel like a huffy, “it’s not fair” child. And I don’t even feel like a hypocrite now, I’ve just stopped. Stopped feeling anything. At least until now. But what scares me now is that “God” is just a word. It has no meaning for me now. I don’t (and for some reason just now) I can’t believe.

So that’s my faith. Relationships next. Oh, even more fun. You might find this bit a bit whiney. I don’t know where I am in my relationships just now. That scares me too. I feel like I don’t know who I am just niow, which then in turn affects how people see me right? Sometimes I actually feel like I’m completely different from who I know I am inside. I’m this shy, so totally insecure person, who feels sometimes completely socially inept. And I hate it. Cause all I want people to see is that I love chatting, I love just being with people, and I’m just so worried that people around my own age see me as some kind of nutter, that I end up actually thinking I am. I’m not joking, I wish I could me more confident with everyone. I get easily intimidated too, and I know for a fact that people do not intend to be like that, it’s just me I guess. So yeah, all the above affects me, which affects my relationship, which affects me, it’s a cycle that sucks. It makes me so sad.

My word this is depressing. Ok, uni. Future will probably come into this as well so two birds, one stone. Brilliant. Uni, as my Facebook status has shown has not gone too swimmingly, at least the first two weeks. It’s good now though, cause I have A PLAN. My plan is to go get my first degree then hopefully go do a med. Degree. And you know know what? Nothing scares me more than the prospect of not getting in. I want to make medicine my life. It’s one thing I know I actually want to strive for. I wish I had more time to do more to make my chances of getting in so huge, cause I don’t know what else I would do with my life. I want it to be my life. So it involves working hard. And I’m a stressball so it’s gonna be tiring and hard and tough. But it’ll be so so so worth it!!!

But I don’t want to talk about that anymore. Underlying EVERY SINGLE THING in my life is my lack of faith. I think I’m actually out of words. There’s nothing more to say cause that’s really all my thoughts from today.
I feel like my life is moving so fast, too fast. There’s no time, no place to stop and think. I’m not comfy thinking at home or at the army. And I have no answers so all this stuff is just going over and over in my head. I’ve lost the ability to find wonder in things. I can’t stop and contemplate, I end up totally despairing about everything.
BUT, I’ve finally been challenged. I’ve thought new thoughts. For the first time in ages, ages and ages something has been said that made me think. THINK! And just now I feel hopeful but also frustrated cause I know I’ll probably just sink back into not being myself, not thinking. I made a list of things I want to do over the year, doesn’t seem to be happening though. I’m stuck in traffic writing this and I’m afraid I’m going to start rambling, so I’m going to shutup. But I do wish I had an environment to think in. I wish uni wasn’t overtaking everything in my life, and I’m scared of the sacrifices I’m going to have to make.
I don’t think people realise what they do for me, every single one of them. Want to say thanks. Would be lost, screwed without them. Thanks.xxx

As I was nearing the end of my journey I made the choice (mistake maybe) of having a theological discussion with Adam and Iain. Some things helped, some didn't. It did make me very uneasy about the state of my spiritual affairs, and stubborn and unforgiving I've become to seeing a different point of view other than my own, which is really not so good because when you're chatting to people on what is at such a personal level, you can't be doing with the my view is the only view. What else? I do feel better about some of the stuff above, but like I said, it is in my head more often than not. I just had to get it off my chest. Sometimes my thoughts are too much for my poor wee mind!!!!
Hope this hasn't been too boring.
Stephx

2008-05-27T19:53:00.002+01:00

Why can I not take criticism?

It has plagued me my entire life, and it's so silly. I either go off into an immature huff or if I'm intimidated by the person I practically burst into tears and get scared. Why, why is criticism such a pain for me? I wonder if there are any psychologists who have studied it before...

Oh, and for the girls, I'm looking for shoes. Can anyone tell me a good shoe store that's not Schuh or Office (or Louboutin, well, a girl can dream...(and don't worry, I know that's not a shoe store...)).

And I also feel really stupid. You know where you do things spontaneously and don't really think about the consequences, or you don't think there will be any? Well, I did something that I'd wanted to do for ages, but now I'm just like hmm....was it such a good idea after all?

And I'm getting scared about my exam results. Meh.

Oh, and did anyone see Life After People last night? It was pretty interesting. What scared me most was the whole lack of consciousness thing. There would be no-one to look at the universe and question it, or to listen to a bird singing and think about how beautiful it sounds, or no-one to laugh and appreciate creation. That made me really really sad. I hate what humans are doing to the planet. I wish it could stop right now. But I dislike not knowing enough about it to have a conversation.

Hmm...that seems to happen a lot to me. Have a conversation, end up feeling thick. Ok, I'm gonna go now. Seem to be in a rant mood.

Thanks for putting up with me!!

love.x

2008-05-13T12:31:00.002+01:00

I don't know where to start in the slightest. Probably exams because that's the most prominent thing in my mind just now. My exams have sucked this semester. I don't know what has gone wrong, but they have gone disastrously. My studying has been awful i.e. I've barely done any and I don't know why. It's led to so many arguments and so so much stress and frustration that I'm just like wanting it to end. I don't want it to happen again, but I've been saying that every year since Highers. I had like a complete change in Higher, it was nuts, and I don't even know what that change was. It's like the (somewhat insane) drive I had for Standard Grades to do well in them has vanished, and it's just not come back. Or no, the drive to sit down and learn things has vanished, because my coursework has been fine, at least for chemistry. So I am now waiting, taking a break from studying for my last exam, which I'm probably going to fail no doubt, and hoping that come August I will have the drive back again. I wish I knew what's happened to my whole studying energy. it's like a chore just now. Sometimes I'm like what's the point? Had argument with Alistair about it so won't bore you with the details. And I'm trying to find ways of getting my studying back on track. Like, using my competitiveness, which I know is sooo the wrong thing to do, but that hasn't even worked, and to be quite frank I don't think I would want it to be my "solution" because it would turn me into the most horrible person. I'm bad enough as it is. And it's not like I don't want to do well, because I do, but again I go back to what's the point? (Basically, one of the thoughts I think frequently is if I work my bum off, but there are still going to be people who get the job or do better than me and are going to have the better prospects in life regardless then what's the point?) My parents think it's maybe that I'm not over medicine yet, and I don't think that's the reason because that's closed I think for me now so I don't think it's that. I just wish I knew and then I could get over it and get my work back on track. However I do hate being stuck in my room for days. My dad said to me that it felt like he hadn't spoken to me for ages because I'd been stuck in my room trying to force information to stay in my head because that's the only way it seems to work just now. I think, fundamentally, I'm a bit of a lazy ass. And I am, but for some reason I don't seem to care. Somethings gonna happen in my life where I'm gonna fall apart just because I don't get off my backside and do things. This is a really long blog sorry. I'm really writing to get it off my chest. I need to develop responsibility for myself. I wish I had a sign hanging in front of my face 24/7 that would remind me to just bloody well grow up a bit. I hate that I'm the start and source of so many of the arguments in my family. I hate that I never seem to change. I hate that I can't take criticisms and I hate that I'm now in the boy-who-cried-wolf situation where my parents or whoever think I'm being to harsh on myself because that's what I'm known for, but I am only just being reaslistic. I've gotten so bad that my early harshness actually truly applies to me now. I wish I could sort this out. I wish I could detox my mind and my life and learn to be responsible for little things and big things. I drive myself insane, I drive my parents insane, I probably get on peoples nerves quite a lot. What's wrong with me?!!! See, now I'm on a huge rant. An example of my lack or care, selfishness, lack of responsibility: my friends from school mean a whole lot to me. I know for a fact that of they had not been there I would not have survived 6th year. Yet for some obscene reason I barely keep in touch. It's not like it's flaming difficult, I have facebook, email, text, phones, yet one mate of mine I haven't spoken to in over 5 months. I just don't think that's right, and it's not. So why on earth do I not change? Why do I keep making excuses? Argh.....what else. My phone. My phone is like a credit card, hence the reason I will never ever ever take out a credit card ever. I pay a ridiculous amount for my phonebill every month because I am so stupid with it. I'm going to be tripling the amount I'm supposed to be paying this month. Thankfully I have a job to cover this, but it's still absolutely stupid. And having money is no excuse because the rate I'm going I'm not gonna have much left. But why do I not change? What stops me from learning not to be stupid anymore?! Longest blog ever methinks. Jings. I think that's me worded out, probably for the best. I just hope...meh, I don't even know what to hope. I just want to stop this complete immature irresponsibleness. I have all these thoughts going through my had right now, and I just wish they would shutup. I think I need help. Thanks for reading.

So much

2008-03-25T20:14:00.002Z

There is so so much I want to share and talk about, but so much has gone out my head AND I'm going to get shunted off the computer in a minute to let my mum use the phone...(please, God, broadband soon!)
So...what have I been thinking about?
The one thing I can think of just now is that if I believed in God I would have trouble trusting him with the stuff in my life, because if things went wrong then I think I would end up not wanting to have a relationship with God because what's the point if things screw up that you asked him to take care of? Hmm...that's actually making me upset just now. Meh.
Hmm...what else? The one meeting that I went to on Easter sunday reinstated my faith in the army again, don't quite know how or why but it has. Saying that, it will probably falter again at some point. Guess that's life.
What else? Oh, if you could dig right into a human soul, what would you find? Goodness or badness?
Anyway, sorry this hasn't been very exciting, wish I had permanent access to this thing so I could write down everything that I think!!
Love.

2008-02-05T08:11:00.000Z

I don't believe in God anymore.

I think it's official. The God that I believed in was only an imaginary one, one that wasn't real, like a tree or my cat (ok, so I don't know whether they're real either, but that screws up with my head). I've been struggling with this for a while (4 years in fact) and I've tried to sort it, but I haven't been able to.

It's very lonely not believing. I wish I did, cause then....well I dunno, things would make sense. I would have something bigger to rely on instead of just myself (or is that just a way out of taking responsibility?). I might even have a plan for my life. I'd have someone to thank for how awesome my life has actually been. I'd have something to explain the intricacy of life on this planet, and in turn something to give praise to.

And it's not like I'm even turning away from Christianity and exploring other religions. Christianity is still what i want to follow, even if, at the end of all things, maybe it is a lot of whooey.

I feel awful (awful) saying this, there's so much that has happened in my life that couldn't be just the ordinary workings of the universe (hah, ordinary...) But, hmph, I guess if I don't admit there's a problem then I'm never going to get it fixed....

And I've tried to fix it. Reading books, talking to some people (person), going over it again and again and again in my head. But it's not changing anything. I still don't believe in a REAL God. I don't want an imaginary one that's been conjured up by the things I've read. There have been numerous occasions where I just can't take it anymore and I cry. This leads to conversations with my dad and they are really good and informative and give me some kind of hope that this is going to go away, but I need more than that (What, I do not know). I hate that crying, because, I dunno, it feels so strange. It's almost like I'm crying about nothing.

I want there to be something out there, so I can show people it, so I can give them hope too. I can still lead a good life, but I need to know that this life isn't the end. I need to know that love and hope and happiness aren't just fleeting emotions, done away with at death, that the stuff that holds this universe together is something other than physics (however beautiful it is), something beyond anything that I can comprehend (which would then mean that I wouldn't be able to believe, if I couldn't comprehend it then it would have to be imaginary) but still be able to get a glimpse of it. And yeah, creation is that glimpse maybe, and love and friendship and all the other little heavens on earth that there are, but for some reason it's not enough, and it sucks. And now I'm getting angry with myself, so I'd better go. (One other thing, stuff like "why does bad stuff happen to good people?", that doesn't "put me off" believing in a Deity, because I'm gonna get crap in my life too, maybe it will when I face it, but just now it doesn't, and I'm actually pretty thankful for that, but this is just an aside).

I want to believe. I hope that's enough, and I hope that stays with me until I get this sorted out. I want this to be sorted out.

I want to believe.

2008-01-23T21:38:00.000Z

Aaaaaaaaaaargh.......

SO much information!

SO little time to process!

SYSTEM OVERLOAD

THIS SYSTEM WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN T MINUS 5 SECONDS

4.

3.

2.

1.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Why can't I just sit in a field with pretty flowers and look at the sky?)

2008-01-23T08:49:00.000Z

So much to say, so forgetful.....meh.

One day I will post, once I get my head around what I think, and when I remember.

However, I do want to rant.

1. Emerging Christianity
2. The Salvation Army
3. Essential
4. Change

I think that there is my list. Lecture time, so will get back to it soon. Cheerio!!!

Blogging For the Sake of Blogging

2007-11-21T12:27:00.000Z

I have nothing much to say today.
Great, isn't it?
Let's see...

I wish I had something to say...

Might do some research on a random topic and then write about it.

Or not.

You know what I'm thinking just now (apart from that I'm really sleepy)? I'm thinking I want to study my Bible loads. I've probably already shared this. But like, I actually want to know my Bible inside-out, like a Jew, cause I think that's amazing. How great would it be to be a Rabbi's apprentice. Is that sad? It's strange though. I'm reading my Bible but not studying it. I started reading a theology book and took notes and stuff, but I wasn't actually thinking about it. Nothing got me questioning. I want to ask questions but nothing to ask them about!!! Meh!!!

Psalms are amazing btw. I know you all know, but humour me, one who is not so well-versed in the far reachingness of the Bible. Got really blown away though. Read from like Psalm 50-odd to Psalm 65-odd and everything I read was relevant to me. Does that happen everytime? Like, if I had opened my Bible at I dunno, Habbakuk, would I have still found something relevant?

Interpretation is such an interesting thing.

You know what I really want to do? Theology. Wish i could do theology without doing it at uni. wish I could read loads of books. Hmm...I think I need to dramatically change my time usage.

What else?

It would be great to have like a set list of things that I have to concentrate on and I could only concentrate on them. Hmm...might do that.

Anyways better go to maths.

Sorry for my ramblings.

Hmmm....

2007-11-16T08:43:00.000Z

What is a Salvationist? And what does a Salvationist look like?

I should really put that on Facebook to be honest.

That question came into my head last Sunday after hearing a comment of the sort "At least he looks like a Salvationist now". For some reason this totally jarred in my head with something. Don't yet know what that is. I don't think a Salvationist should "look" like anything. A Salvationist should be a person that looks like everybody else, but wants to spread the message of Salvation to the rest of the planet. Personally I don't think it should be about looks. Personality is all that matters. And it's all that should matter. I agree, for certain things that are in public it is important not to look shabby, because that would affect people's opinion of the Army and what it can do for people (maybe that's just the Govanite in me or something).

BUT

wearing a uniform does not mean you are a Christian. Not wearing a uniform does not mean you aren't a Christian ( I think that's right...) So therefore I do not think it should be about whether someone looks like a Salvationist or not, it is about actions and words and who that person is that determines whether he/she is Salvationist, or a Christian.

And I speak from experience.

I wear a uniform and I feel like a hypocrit sometimes. If my faith disappears without any sign, or something happens to make me rethink i feel like a liar. I'm showing something to people by wearing my uniform that maybe I don't actually believe in.

But you know what.

Sometimes it's the uniform that makes me think. It's the uniform that actually keeps me searching. Because I am so aware of the fact that I am being a hypocrit etc.

And in that way, I am glad that I look like a Salvationist.

It keeps me thinking.

(Answers to the questions would be appreciated.)

My Art

2007-11-09T19:10:00.000Z

Have been wanting to put up some of my wee drawings for ages now so here they are.

2007-11-07T12:36:00.000Z

You know what? I think I'm becoming really complacent about things. Like actually everything. Bad stuff and good stuff does not seem to make an impression on me sometimes. Like if I told you half the stuff that doesn't make an impression on me you'd think I was nuts. Stuff like:
cancer
homosexuality
drugs
murder
burglary
death
(sometimes) love
happiness
money
music

See. What I think the deal is here is that I just think that all that bad stuff is so not going to happen to me. And I know that is so nuts, because their is every chance some of that stuff is going to happen to me, and in the caase of death it's certain. And while I can't abide the thought of murder and adultery and stuff, it doesn't rile me up as much as it used too. I think I'm scared of it happening to me. I think I'm going through a mid-teenage crisis. Everything seems so messed up to me just now. I hate the fact that I don't feel anything for these things anymore. Like I never used to think about death, now sometimes I don't want to go out the house. Homosexuality used to be considered really wrong by me, yet now I don't really care that much. Cancer, I mean I know it's bad, but it doesn't strike anything deeper in me than that-that it's bad. It's really troubling me, all this. I used to be such a deep feeler. I am still for good things like love and friendship and family, but some things just seem to strike a wall in my mind whenever I think about them and they only go a certain way to making me feel anything about them, then it stops. Sorry about the rambling, it's just that I've been trying to sort this out and word it in a way that I can try and get out of it. I don't know whether it's cause I'm growing up or what and I bet all of you who read this will be like omw, what is wrong with her, but I really do hate this. I want out of it. It gives me a false sense of reailty and reduces my effectiveness in helping people in this imperfect world. Helping myself, in this imperfect world. I think I need some help.
Please don't think I'm some sort of nutter. I just had to get my thoughts down, and ask for help with this.
Help. Please.
Love.x

2007-11-06T12:16:00.000Z

Well, am bored doing one-hundred and one things for uni so taking time out to share some thoughts. Had the congress this weekend, it was good fun, good to see everyone. Was nice to be involved, but nice to sit back and listen as well.

Thoughts about the weekend:
1. It was exactly what I was expecting. Quite Army. Had the hand-flags waving at some points. It reminded me of what I've read about rallies. People being proud of what they stood for etc. However, found it a bit weird.
2. Being at the back of the hall totally gives me vertigo...
3. I felt the entire Sunday was just about getting people to go to the Mercy Seat. I don't mind that, and I think it's amazing and I wish I had the guts to do it one day, but it made me feel uncomfortable.
4. Thought the band and the a chorus were pretty alright!
5. Again with the observer thing. If someone came in and saw what i saw, they'd run back out again, cause that's what I felt like doing sometimes. It's not that I was embarrassed, it's just I think some things are silly (how vague am i being?)

As a little side thought, well I think that's me more-or-less finished anyway, thinking about observers made me think. This is how my train of thought (choo-choo) went:

(Me, on bus):
"Hmm...I wonder what would happen if someone had come in and seen us all looking at a screen and reading off what it said, what they would have thought. Surely they must think were insane. They don't know that we're reading it to someone, therefore they must just be thinking we're reading it for the sake of reading. I wonder, if we had put a cross or something in the middle so that could be a focus point, so we could look as if we were reading to that, but, wait a minute, is that not like idolatry? Or could it turn into idolatry? Hmm...(started reading again)"

yeah, so I just thought my musings were different as I haven't thought about idolatry before. It was just so strange at how easily the thought slipped into my mind. Made me think about the golden calf incident, and look how that turned out. Made me conclude that if you don't think about something it could take you down the wrong road so easily. Then again, there is nothing wrong with having a cross in a worship hall somewhere!

Anyway really have to finish this report.
Sorry if I make no sense whatsoever, 'cause i don't usually.
x

2007-11-01T15:04:00.000Z

I'm really really tired today. It's making me laugh just now, but I'm going to be so grumpy by the time I leave uni tonight! Ican't believe congress is this weekend. I'm quite excited, and I'm really looking forward to taking part on the Sunday (of course worried that I won't be able to play anything). The last congress I remember aw lol! Lots of memories. There was one time when me and Rach were arguing and this woman we didn't know told us off, and said something about us wearing our uniform, and asked us what that stood for, blah blah, we were kids for crying out loud. I was flipping nine. Anyhoo, good times on the lifts, and general chaos. Good weekend. So, looking forward to it!
Am supposed to be writing up my lab report for tuesday but I can't concentrate. At least I've done the aim.
Had a really nice time with Alistair yesterday. Went to see Stardust (sweet ending), got pizza, went to George Sq. for a while, all nice and chilled out and lovely.
What else has been happening?
I have exams in 6 weeks. Need to start revising. (I'm so gonna fail physics).
Well, have just procrastinatedon facebook for a while. oops....
What's So Amazing About Grace is really making me think, can't remember what about, but it's gooood.
x

2007-10-29T10:08:00.000Z

I was saying to my mum yesterday, Sundays don't feel Sundays anymore. Sundays used to feel special. I used to look forward to them because they were completely different from any other day. They were mad! It was great! Used to get up, get ready for the meeting, have a good meeting, get home, have quick lunch, sit down/do homework for a while, get ready again, go out for another meeting! I mean, it was great! Then, last night, was in the kitchen and I was like, hmm...this doesn't feel like a Sunday anymore. It got to me a lot. It just felt like any other day.

But it shouldn't be like any other day.

Sunday should be special.

It should be a day of refreshment, and re-routing and meeting with other Christians. A day that's not like the others. A day where you take time to think, ask questions, and maybe get some answers. A day where you know you can spend all your time concentrated on God and on God stuff.

Now, I'm not meaning that this can't be done some other time in the week. But I find that I get distracted all too easily by uni, or people, or stress or other stuff that the world flings at me. I would love to have a place where I can go and learn and grow spiritually. I guess my church isn't doing that for me just now.

It troubles me.

Maybe I'm reading too much "contemporary" stuff. Velvet Elvis has totally changed my perspective on a whole load of stuff, and I can't decide whether that's a good thing or not.

Oh, I don't mean that people at church are getting to me, I mean that what we do at church isn't doing anything for me.

Am I gonna have to change church?!

I don't want to!

Meh.

What to do?

I'm trying to explore and discover the diversity of the church I belong too. Because it's pretty diverse. Maybe I'm getting bored of tradition (what is going on with the world....?) because ((deep)) and Catch the Fire are appealing to me way more than a Sunday morning meeting.

I'm concerned.

I love the Army, I wouldn't change it for the world. Maybe it will have to change someday. Who knows?

Hmm...I do like my church. Writing all this stuff has helped me sort it out in my head a bit. But I still want more.

Sorry for my rambling. It probably doesn't make much sense.

Hope all is well.

x

Sad

2007-10-21T17:37:00.000+01:00

You know that way when you're totally stressed that everything's going to fall down around your ears?
Having a bit of that just now.
It's great.

I don't like change....

I'm Back!!!!!!!!!

2007-10-19T10:34:00.000+01:00

So, really REALLY quick update:
- started uni
- life's pretty great

That's about it really.

So, down to business.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, on the buses. It's been amazing. Anyhoo, I've just finished Velvet Elvis, and for those of you who have read it you'll agree that it totally smacks you right in the face. It made me remember Mr Howie doing a wee chat a few years ago at our youth church about how it's our generation that will redefine the church (at least that's what I think it was about, I was only 14 or something). Yeah, so on the bus I was thinking, a lot. I even had my "pondering face" on, and that means it's serious stuff. There's a story at the end. Bell's sitting in a church service, and the vicar dude tells people that if they want to become Christians and go to heaven etc then all they have to do is pray this prayer and that's them, sorted. First off I had a problem with that. So vicar asks everyone to close their eyes and pray, and if they become Christians they are to raise their hands and not worry, ' cause everyone has their eyes closed anyway. So the vicar's like oh yeah, i see hands up, thank you, blah.

Bell's got his eyes open.

And he don't see no hands going up.

Does that not make your blood run cold? Does that not make your entire mind and soul and heart and body just want to scream? (obviously you should read the ACTUAL story, not my crappy description).

And I was thinking, how many people are observers. How many people are sitting. And watching. Trying to suss stuff out. And how many church people (not Christians, church people) realise this? How many church people know that their actions, every second of them can have eternal consequences for everybody else?

Are leaders doing their thing properly? A few situations recently, and stories in that book, have made me start to think, maybe in a tiny wee voice, that the answer to that is no.

And I'm not perfect, NO WHERE NEAR. But it scares me, it scares me a lot, that people who can get it so wrong, don't notice, maybe don't even care when they do.

I think the church has to go back to its fundamentals. Restart, redefine itself. I never thought I would think like this to be perfectly honest. And I don't know where to go with these thoughts. But I know it's gotta happen, because it's the way it's supposed to be.

Hope you're all wonderful.

Love.x

2007-03-12T12:03:00.000Z

I'M BACK!!!!
Ok, update:
University: nothing
School: rubbish
God: getting there, not
Alistair: wunderbar (wonderful in German), and he's becoming a bando...(mwahaha!)
Yeah, lifes just grand!
Hmm, anyway, what has been going on, since November...em...my faith has floundered more than once, twice, thrice, hmm...lots. Went to London in January, that was awesome. What else? Right, well actually, I've been thinking about my future. And I've come to some conclusions:
1. I don't know if medicine is for me. Would I still be thinking this if I had offers? No, probably not. Think that's a sign.
2. I don't know where my life is headed, and it's scaring me a lot. I'm still a kid really...can't deal with the big bad world yet. Boo...
3. I wish I had some direction. I'm floating in a big sea, and everythings chaotic and not staying still, but I can't stop time.
4. God has all the possible futures that I could have sorted. That kind of blew my mind, but it's kind of physics so it's wonderful as well.
5. I want to do DFL. I'm thinking it's a case of exposing my mind to loads of things, because that's my responsibility, God don't give me stuff on a platter. So, yeah DFL will be the way forward.
Future: non-existant.
What else? I'm gonna study my Bible more. Learn it. I'm very excited for this! The Message is awesome. And just cause my Bible doesn't look trashed doesn't mean I don't use it.
My mum's ill again. It's quite rubbish really. And Rachel's going to Old Trafford on Tuesday, which would be tomorrow. Lol, that'll be awesome for her.
Aw, am drawing the most awesome cartoon for the 3rd verse of "And Can It Be". Will post it when I'm done. I mean, it's not that great, but I like drawing it, something different I guess.
I wish I had more time to just type and type, but life isn't like that. Wish it was!
I've learnt that God does answer prayer. And I've realised that I only remember two situations where He has, which really bugged me. God has a time for everything, absolutely. My prayer just now is from Psalms, I really do think it's awesome:

"Open your ears, God, to my prayer,
Don't pretend you don't hear me knocking.
Come close and whisper your answer,
I really need you."
Psalm 55:1-2

It's something like that at least. I'm glad I found it.
Anyway, have to go. Sorry for the mess that is this post.
Take care.

Sorry pals...

2006-11-24T09:03:00.000Z

Ok, I have a whole hour to update you on what's going on. So far I have not heard anything from any of the Uni's so am freaking out a little bit. I did actually have a dream last night that I got a letter from Dundee and I had got an interview so yeah, the dream before had involved me saving a little boy that had drowned on a white cross floating in the ocean with an animal skull in his mouth, so I don't think any of it is rather reliable. Um, the past few weekends have rocked. 2 weekends ago I was at Clydebank so I saw everyone. It was my cousins enrolment as a Senior Soldier, so that was lovely. I got to play in their band and played such a great cornet. How sad am I? Note to self, thoughts about music. Very jealous of those who have funky net systems, I still have to trawl through everyones, but I like the colours so it's all good. And then this weekend was great because my bestest mate Laura came up, down, across, sideways, whatever, and it rocked. And she's coming back up!!!!!!! WOOOO!!!
It was the All Scotland Youth Councils as well so I saw Clydebank and Govan and other people as well, again. Stuff happened and it was good. My mum, sis, Laura and me went shopping on the Saturday which was also fun. Ispent most of the weekend up in the tech bit with craig and marti(y?)n. And that was so much fun. The ladder, the dancing, sweet memories...aw yeah, and Alistair gave me two books, Screwtape letters and Mere Christianity. Screwtape is bloomin' incredible, but I'm getting a bit muddled by it, Lewis' syntax can be quite strange. His thoughts are just ground-breaking. I was actually in floods for one letter, because it was totally what I needed. hmm...
Never mind. And I drew another angel picture. My mum thinks I need exorcised, my dad said that I realise how hard it can be. And I want to read the God Delusion, I think it can be used as a weapon.
What else?
Aw yeah, I was speaking to some people about this, corruption. It's a really disgusting word. The word itself, like rupture. But yeah, are parts of the Army corrupt? It makes me so sad to think that yeah, some bits actually are, but no-ones taking the initiative to say anything. Well, music school two years ago, but for some reason Satan's still in there. Like he is in all of us, but at least some of us try and do something about it. It makes me so upset, hypocrisy is a killer. And look, yet again, I'm being one now. But when I think of the people that have been lost, people that I don't know, people that I do know, it makes me mad. I hate Satan. Mehness.
Hmm...and I think it's funny how people go about things in different ways. Showing Jesus, love, strange stuff. Books and music might do the job, fantastic, but it's the person YOU are that does it really.
I just read something. People want there to be hope. Hope that this is not it. That there is a point to life. Wow, it's just that society is so content with the world as it is they aren't searching anymore. But some people are...that fills me with determination. Hmm...I wanted an orange yesterday, and my mum had just gone shopping for food, and there was a brand-new bag of oranges. And I love fresh fruit. So I went over and tried to open the bag. I made like so many holes in it, but I pulled and pulled and it just wasn't happening. So I let go. And then I looked again, and saw that there was only the tiniest little bit of netting left, so I went at it. Got it open, and had one of the nicest oranges I've ever had. It was perfect. Take from it what you will. Maybe I'm over interpreting, but it encouraged me. It's not over 'til it's over.
I think the apocalypse is nigh.
I also found out that Jews don't believe in the New Testament. They're still waiting on the Messiah...how scary.
And I want to go to Korea (the not so good one (not supposed to say that, am I?)) to start a church, how exciting!!!
I am scared though. Screwtapes description of hell and stuff, it really freaked me out. Hmm...my friend Callum said to me that the reason Satan is so attractive is because he's a fallen angel. I hate it how he's in me right now. I think I'm focusing on him more than God. I'm quite screwed up really, ament I? flip, I'm scared.
Am looking forward to band tonight, usually cheers me up. And I'll get to see my mates for the 3rd week in a row, it's so exciting.
I'm actually messed up, and I mess peoples lives up. I am actually rubbish. And I hate school.
Oh well.
Love and all that jazz.x

The Holy Spirit

2006-11-03T08:54:00.000Z

"For the Holy Spirit, God's gift, does not want you to be afraid of people, but to love them and enjoy being with them."

And Adam, I have some questions for you about devils. Could make for an interesting discussion. And don't take anything from the fact that I thought of you. And I've been researching Satanism and the Satanic Bible. It's just quite surreal, as are a lot of things just now - God, Satan, death, the world, stuff. It's great....oh and heaven, prophecies, manifestations. So many wonderings, wanderings through the Christian faith. Loving it. love.xx

Back

2006-10-30T11:28:00.000Z

Am back from very exciting time in chemistry. So miracles, yeah. What was said to me about feeling God blew my mind, I was basically sitting on the floor playing dominoes trying not to cry. Wow, God was totally in that day. And then I met a guy on the 45 bus that I havent seen for 6 whole years, and we were chatting like we hadn't lost those years. His voice has changed obviously but still the same dude. Tis amazing, hopefully meeting up with him tomorrow to catch up which will be grand.
Aw, so Saturday, hmm, lots of God things again, particularly God prods. Songsters were at The Port and I was page-turner for the evening (going to ask for a commision if I go away to Sunderland with them 'cause yeah I don't wanna be unofficial hahaha lol). Anyway, scary stuff going on.
1. At the back of the hall there they have a huge board saying "TO THE UTTERMOST HE SAVES" and I was soooo challenged by that. Like, thinking that God was saying that I have to step out a bit more, make my faith more pronounced in my life and in showing it to other people.
2. A thing has come up with someone getting God vibes and whole complicated issue with "calling" (HUGE clue there guys) and the songsters sang "One Life To Life" and one of the lines is "...desire, my own way to pursue", and God asked me if I thought that I was doing what He wanted me to do, and I couldn't answer, so am quite scared about that.
3. Hmm...there was something else but can't remember. Wish I had had a notebook with me, darn. Aw no, my dad's song "All My Pride", incredible, but words say about Jesus dying on the cross, and basically I got that I ament using the grace that God has given me enough.
So that was Saturday night, and then on Sunday I was asked to do teaching at kids church, on the Holy Spirit. I was rubbish, but God was incredible, and for somehow He worked through the rubbish that is me, and got the kids thinking and questioning absolutely everything, and that hasn't happened before. Ok, took me a while to realise how incredible that was, but that's me being human and selfish, but last night taught me humility and hopefully I'll have more chances like that for God to work through what I try to do. Hmm...getting all confused about whether I'm being selfish by saying "I" all the time, I do mean that God was helping me through it all, just have to be more aware of it, thinking.
And then, to top the whole weekend off my dad came into my room and said goodnight etc, and then said this:

"The more the good grows, so does the evil."

I was actually stunned. The idea of the devil interfering in obvious obvious ways kinda makes me believe the reality of it all, that we are in a war and we're fighting against this dude. I sent a really angry text to a friend of mine ("that geeky guy" he is known as, thank you officer) which was me basically ranting about how much I hated the devil coz i had found out some crap that really scared me, and I realised that Satan can infiltrate anywhere and it gets worse the more you get more in with God. I hadn't ever experienced it like that, so physical, real. Totally freaks me out but gosh, God's got it sorted. Thinking I have so much to learn about stuff. Looking forward to it. Have to be aware that I do have to learn and take it all in, good and bad, and remember God's always there regardless. After I sent that text I felt something, and I don't know whether it was my body on hormonal overdrive because I was so angry with Satan (how weird does that sound) or whether God was just getting into me, even that tiny little bit. I like to think it was Him, I do think it was Him. It's grand. love you all.x

Friday

2006-10-30T09:07:00.000Z

Friday was a day of MIRACLES!!! I had work experience at a residential home, full of wonderful, crazy old people. That day was a CRAZY day. 2 miracles happened:
1. One old lady, who is 93, I'll call her "E" had a mental breakdown, basically didn't have a clue who she was or where she was. This obviously was quite stressful for her so I sat with her and held her hand, tried to reassure her, talk to her quietly, but she didn't seem to be getting any better. So another lady, who was sitting with us, was trying to reassure her with the fact that her son, who comes to see her every SATURDAY was going to see her soon, but that didn't work either, so this old lady "M" prayed, telling us that she didn't usually pray out loud, but that she prayed "properly" every night, but this time she did it in front of everyone. And she prayed that God would help E. MINUTES after she said this prayer, who else but E's SON walks into the room!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS INCREDIBLE!!!!!!! God did a miracle that day, and the I reassured the lady who said the prayer that the prayer had worked and she burst into tears as she was so overcome by everything. IT ROCKED!!! MIRACLE, YES IT'S A MIRACLE.....
2. This isn't so exciting because it's about me and shorter with not so much waffle. But a lady "F" was sitting with us and we were all playing dominoes. Well this lady F has serious dementia, like memory of a goldfish, she is wonderful though. But this time, she looked at me, with a "I'm totally with it" look, and she said to me "I felt His *points finger up at ceiling* prescence when you walked into here. I'm serious." now this is quite a big thing for me because I've had a lot of trouble with feeling God recently and stuff, and for her to say this was unbelievable. more later. have to go.

2006-10-24T09:56:00.000+01:00

Mountains!!

Heaven

2006-10-23T21:40:00.000+01:00

I watched Ice Age 2 today, banterful film, and at the end the squirrel dies, or nearly does. So, of course, he goes to heaven, and his heaven has LOTS and LOTS of, you guessed it, acorns!!!! yay!!! squirrel finally has achieved his life-long goal of getting, not just one acorn, but an infinite amount of acorns. everyone cheer for the squirrel!!! wooo!!! got me thinking, everything does....

HEAVEN IS GOING TO ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

however, getting to heaven a the hard part. The hardest part is getting OTHER PEOPLE to heaven. but man, it's fun and i wouldn't have it any other way.randomosity.love.xx

Showers

2006-10-21T20:07:00.000+01:00

See when you're having a shower do you ever think about stuff thats just random for ages and then have this really amazing thought? Maybe it's just me, but you should try it, showers are a great time for doing that. Anyway i was thinking in the shower about Snow Patrol (random thought) then all of a sudden the lyrics to "Run" i think came into my head (dunno if that's the right name for the song):

"Light up, light up,
As if you had/have (oops..) a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice.
I'll be right beside you..."

Right so these lyrics came into my head (good amazing thought) and then, tada, Candle of the Lord also sprang up into sight. Now there are a few links with many aspects of my life and God etc so am a little like hmm...:
1. "Light up" - links with candle, from candle of the Lord, coz that's what i want to be, and if this is God telling me something then He's telling me to light up and be a light and while I'm typing this I'm like "yay!!!" so if both songs affect me with the whole light thing then maybe its a subtle hint.
2.Technically i don't have a choice about lighting up coz that's what a Christian should be. maybe i have to reaffirm my faith or something, but i barely have a faith so first of all i have to actually affirm it.
3. "Even if you cannot hear my voice" - this is the most poignant part, my head is literally ringing with these words as I'm typing this. I cannot hear God's voice just now, in ANY aspect of my life whatsoever, which is soooooo scary, had a couple hours of blind panic on thursday night because i found out what is like to not have a faith, no belief in God whatsoever, a non-existant entity devised for an excuse for life, that's what went through my head, but thankfully i have done a many -point turn and am nearly back on the tarmac.
If this is from God (guys you're gonna have to help me out with that coz im not so good with the whole "Is it God/Is it me just interpreting something?" thing) then He is actually saying to me "Don't worry about just now, just keep on going strong with what you know and trust, and you will find me. Keep being a light, I'll deal with the rest. You will hear me one day. love you kid."
maybe part of that is what i like to think He's saying, i honestly don't know. if you leave a comment when you read this so i know that i can come chat to you, coz wanna work this out. love and all that jazz.xx

2006-10-20T21:42:00.000+01:00

"Breathe on me, Breath of God,
Until my heart is pure,
Until with Thee I will one will,
To do and to endure."

At the back on my KJV there is a songbook of sorts, and it has that amazing hymn, which the verse above is taken from. I was just flicking through and saw it (little holy moment while I was listening to the Parachutes album). And i was thinking purity is so difficult for me.To be pure in mind, heart, soul and body. Quite a challenge. One that is always gonna be huge for me, 'cause I know that this is one of my biggest areas of weakness. But the first verse is beautiful:

"Breathe on me, Breath of God;
Fill me with life anew,
That I may love what Thou dost love,
And do what Thou wouldst do."

I'll leave myself and you with that wonderful request. love to all.xx

Steph the Shark Saviour

2006-10-19T20:40:00.000+01:00

I saved a shark yesterday. Was at a beach near Cambeltown due to being at Inverarey and all for hols, and yeah so was on this beach and there was a dogfish beached on the sand. so everyone was like "oh dear" etc etc and it was still alive so i picked it up (understatement, description later) and put it in the water. took two attempts coz the wonderful, stupid fish wouldnt swim away. and then we realised that it was a mummy shark (dudududududududuuuu) and it had been laying mermaids purses, and there was a baby shark in a little pouch not far away from where mummy shark got rescued nad it was like wow, creation is so incredible, INCREDIBLE!!!! aw man, this actual living thing had just given birth, basically, to baby sharks! sorry, but that just overwhelms me. and when i picked this animal, this living thing up, to realise it was living and breathing and had a heart and lungs and everything and i was holding it, like what an honour. yeah i know it was just a shark, but wow. it stranded itself a second time and i had to wade in and direct it to a safe bit with no current and i saw it swim away...hoping that will stay with me for a long time. of course my dc's got absolutely soaked by the waves, boo, but because they are the shoes that go and do everything with me it seems rather apt. anyway the whole escapade seriously made me think about life, and death, and God and people. i sat in the hotel room and realised that i am in fact absolutely terrified of death. and my belief in God, it's wavering. and i don't know why. i so wanna explain it in a way that won't bore you all,but that's not possible really, so i'll leave it for another day. its' so simple, yet so complex. i look at cities and houses and motorways and cars and i'm just like where is God in this? then i look at the shark, the mountains, the army, kids church, band, my friends and im like, yeah god's there. but what happens if im not with these things all the time? faith goes, and it sucks. i wanna feel alive. aw yeah, was thinking about this in the car. at a moment of not so much doubt i was like yeah, god's here, god is in this world without a doubt, and then a realised that i wanna feel, actually feel something in me, that i know is god, a flame, a heat, a silence (love you Elijah), anything. as im writing this just now i know that im loving this search for God, actually loving it so much coz i know that when i get this dude in my life properly, unwaveringly then its gonna be so sorted and then we (me an God) can do so many things without my doubt, my fear, just with elation and thankfulness. hmm, im thinking a roots trip is going to take place for definite. because then i will be only a week til official adulthood (pleeeeeeease give me ideas for what to do for my 18th) and it will all be very good. hmm, my friend was saying in his blog about in the world not of it and yeah, iv had that and i love it, i want more of it. i want more of it. love to you pals.xx

Space - the amazing, beautiful, brought to us by Hubble final frontier

2006-10-13T10:00:00.000+01:00

Yesterday was a thinking day. I was at the Gyle, taking my mind off rubbish things and we were up in the fod court, and I was looking outside, and I could see the sky, which was a pale blue from the sunset on one side and a dark, thick blue on the other, with clouds here and there. And i could see some of the offices that have their home around the Gyle. But i kept getting an image in my head (left). for those who don't know that picture was taken by the Hubble Telescope. It is of the Universe, and some of those dots are from the beginning of creation. so i had this image in my head, and I was like wow, that is all out there. This whole earth thing is so insignificant, yet so wonderful, I can't quite fathom yet the whole thing. I love this picture so much. it makes me think about the bigger picture, coz it really is the bigger picture. it made me not so worried, coz for us to be here, on this planet, randomly, when all that is out there, there has to be something going on. and so my quest for God continues with fervour. The rest of my family were not so appreciative, but im thankful i have this mind. it can be a bummer with doubt, but when it thinks about these things, aw, man its just incredible. so yeah, all that is out there, and I am sitting typing about it on a computer. hmm..it just seems so incredibly unbalanced, but maybe that's love. cheers God. love.xxx

2006-10-12T10:19:00.000+01:00

well guys. found out yesterday that I can't get into Edinburgh or Glasgow to study medicine. I am distraught. Spent so long crying yesterday that my eyes are still burning. Phoned the admissions office up yesterday, don't think I will ever forget that phone-call. I don't have a clue what to do. My options are as follows:
1. Give up completely on medicine, focus on 6 courses in science and get everything done by Jan.15th
2. Stick with medicine but doctor personal statement so that I can apply to science courses as well in the short time I have of 2 days.
3. Just rely on getting into Dundee or St. Andrews and leave the personal statement the way it is, but still apply for a course in sciences.
My mind is so numb and in shock. Am now just killing myself over the fact that I thought I could get into Glasgow as well. What a tube...The thought of being away from home terrifies me, especially Dundee, and I don't wanna be away from Gorgie. Am terrified too, 'cause I did some crap to myself and I can't tell my parents. I feel like I've let everyone down. People were rooting for me to get into medicine, and I still wanna, and maybe Edinburgh isn't the place for me, maybe I'm meant to be in Dundee, but still, everyone knows that I wanna do medicine, and if I give up then it's all so screwed. But if I move up to Dundee what if I lose relationships down here? I've already lost Laura, I don't wanna lose anyone else. Everytime I think about going to Dundee now I'm just like " this could be it, either i'm meant to go there or I'm not". bugger. sorry. the dwain quote has never been so meaningful, never ever. I am at a dead end and my options are slowly but surely closing in on me. Flip, flip flip flip flip. My arm hurts, a constant reminder, at least for the next few days. It's quite ugly. Such a mess just now. Mr Todd, the best teacher ever ever ever has helped me though, encouragement and all, but again, rooting for me to go to medicine, but what if it don't happen. Dundee? Someone said that they'd love me there but I'm not so sure. Man, this is unreal, absolutely unreal. I have to go now coz people are talking about university courses, I'm worried in case I'm gonna get bitter, I think it's quite a possibility, i don't wanna be like that. but anyway i have to go do a new personal statement. prayers please i need them so much. love.xxx

2006-10-10T09:05:00.000+01:00

I kinda remembered some of the words from "One Way" last night in my bed. For some reason I insist on reading to all hours when I really need sleep, and I had the weirdest dream. Anyway, what were they?

"One way, Jesus, you're the only one that I could live for."

Was sitting behind the puppet curtain, with Jake and Camel my best puppet buddies, and this song totally struck me a lot. And yeah, I think it's true, which has helped me loads 'cause deep down I want that to be the case, and refering to my last post, "...if only the will is there to walk then He is happy with their stumbles". See when things click, it makes me feel so much better. It is amazing, but still don't feel God the way I used too. I don't quite understand what is going on. Maybe it's just me at the minute. But that song is just amazing. I keep thinking of a Bible verse and it's bugging me because it's about searching for God, but not "Ask, Seek, Knock." because I'm not so sure about that. Aw yeah, spiritual gifts. Was thinking about them too, last night. As I've said soo many times before I think I might try and find out what I've got. Then hopefully use them. I hope a network course comes up soon...and have been told by a guy from school, Mark, that I'm screwed for getting into Edinburgh Uni coz they are elitest gits, but I so wanna go, don't want to go to Glasgow because then I wouldn't be at Gorgie anymore really and that upsets me. So Kevin, looks like I'm not getting in. Let you know how it goes.

2006-10-09T11:57:00.000+01:00

Hmm...slightly discouraged. Was looking at people's blogs and they are all so focused on God, and I mean that's amazing and all, I just want mine to be the same and it isn't. And I hate this crappy font. So yeah, God stuff I've been thinking about recently:
1. God - where is He in my life? I can't find Him anywhere. I prayed He'd give me a map, and I haven't even found that yet. And if I don't believe in God, which is possibly filling in quite a lot of my spirituality just now, then I'm screwed. It's so scary, and yeah part of me is like "oh dear..." but then another part of me, I've just realised, is just like "do I actually give a toss?!"!!! like what is going on? I need prayers....got so depressed on Saturday I did some bad stuff again, freaked my rents out an all. But where is He, I need Him in my life. Hmm...wanna cry but can't. Got some serious praying to do. Like I don't actually believe a word of it just now, yet last night I was like "God's totally with us all." what goes on in my head? And am obssessed with the end. I don't know why but I am. "Bringing in the sheaves" pah...harvesting of people's souls, eugh, like it makes our ultimate goal sound nothing more than doing exactly that, meh, golly, we're supposed to care for these people, Christians or not. Maybe I'm looking to deep, never mind. I just wanna see more of God. Why do I believe in Jesus and not in God? Well, because I believe in love, and God's love for us, but I don't believe in God as powerful, or anyhting like that, yeah creation and all, that blows my mind, but who are we to try and understand that with science etc. Wish I could just submerge myself in all things religious and holy for the rest of my life, and try and help people find their way to God, dont wanna do flaming medicine meh. I wish I had faith, so much I wish it, so much. I hate not having faith, a visible faith, coz I don't think it is visible in the slightest. yeah, ok, i read my bible, pray, but i dont actually believe. I pretend to myself that Im doing the right blooming thing but really im just a cow. God, i hate myself right now. I said 2 nights ago that I hated God, it was infinity times worse saying that to Him than saying it to my parents. But where is He? Where? I've been watching the starlings preparing to migrate, it's like those pictures you see on tv, with David Attenbourough blabbering on in the background, and I see the mountains from my bedroom, and I'm like wow, sheer awe. but where is God in my life? where? I'm such a failure. I've failed Him so much and I hate it. My friend Alistair gave me a quote from screwtape letters a few weeks ago, it's helped me loads and goes something like this:

"He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles."

But I don't want Him to withdraw His hand coz I can't do anything without His help. I prayed for something really important to me recently, and I can't make out whether He's wanting me to deal with it by myself, with Him as my little safety net, little? no, humungous safety net. I feel really lost, my life has no direction, I don't think I wanna do medicine anymore and that's scary coz my rents will disown me, I said to my mum and she was like no don't think so. So, am now thouroughly depressed, wanna cry,but at school, so not the done thing. I can't see how something as wonderful as a God who loves everything so much is real, when the life I'm living is real. If both are real how come I only experience one? But there's moments when I just feel God, He's not saying anything, I just feel comfort in the fact that maybe He is actually around. But then the feeeling goes, and He's gone. This is probably the worst doubting Thomas phase ever. The devil is using my mind against me. I hate the Devil, I llove saying that. I need strength and I want God more than anything else, ever. But I do hate the Devil, and maybe if I believe in a Devil then surely there must be a God? No, there is a God, maybe I don't know Him yet, maybe I've never known Him? I don't have a clue anymore. I'm just floating on nothing just now, no direction, no God, no faith. I hate it, and I hate me for not believing, coz i wanna so bad. And i don't wanna convince myself there "has to be a God" etc etc coz i know that I'm capable of that, and i know and accept it's an option im aware of, no, i want to experience the LIVING GOD, and I want Him to live in me. I have to do some thinking, spend more time at the corps, the more i'm away the worse it gets. I'm screwed. Sorry guys. Sorry God. love.xx

2006-10-09T11:27:00.000+01:00

This is the angel I was telling you about. At first I thought it was really good but now I'm just like naw. Anyway, my blog should be quite short today as I have stuff to do. Hmm...this weekend had some good stuff in it actually. The games evening was grand, kidz church was amazing, aw yeah one song, "One Way", hit me a lot. Has become my little theme song, might have even taken over "candle of the Lord", now that's something. Aw and i got to use the puppets and all, thinking about routines (hahaha!!) on the way to school, rather amusing. Anyway got to go. take care.xx

2006-10-06T09:39:00.000+01:00

I dont understand why but you have to go into archives to get my new blog. It's called "Angels and Conversations". Enjoy.

Angels and conversations

2006-10-06T08:52:00.000+01:00

I am typing for the sake of typing today. No access to computers that work so will have to leave you all for two days over the weekend. I drew an angel yesterday, was going to get the pic but my friend hasn't posted it on his blog (illfight.blogspot.com) yet so I can't steal it! Going through drawing angel phase actually, my mum said "that's a very strange thing to be into." and yes, I guess it isn't that normal, but for some reason I have to see visible things to do with God, ok creation and that definitely but angels, I just love them. There was something else I was thinking about, well actually have just thought of something. There is this new book out called "The God Delusion". Haven't read the book but kinda get from the title that he thinks all followers of religion are complete muppets that are not capable of making decisions and choose to follow whatever crowd they are born into. was soooo angry when I saw that book, might get it and see how much I can disprove, but this is Richard Dawkins we are talking about here, so that's highly unlikely. There was something else, and it was really good and I wanted to talk about it. Oh yeah, through a conversation with my mum of all people I've been kinda discouraged from saving people (AAARGH!!!!), and considering "Candle of the Lord" gave me my lifes mission (I feel) I'm a bit annoyed. The conversation kinda went a bit like this:
*in car*
"So what is this meeting about tonight?"
"Just youth work, what the army can do."
*etc etc*
"But mum they are the people we're supposed to be reaching out too."
"Look, when I did a youth club they ended up throwing darts at us under the table. How can you change that?"
"But that's our job, to try, keep going."
"But that involves time, and people get tired, and it's difficult to get enough people involved....and you can't change them."
SO, am exceptionally discouraged, I mean my mum always has some good stuff to offer, and I know I'm just a kid with barely any life experience but wow, that was quite tough to take. so yeah, im just like if people don't care then what is the point. I dont think people care anymore and it sucks...coz I care so much about them. hmm..there was something else, all this hasn't been the actual thing I want to talk about. well no I'm going to keep going with this actually, cause I don't want to give up, and if God wants me to keep going with this then He'll give me the strength to do it. But like, saving people, I don't like to think it's that simple. I like to think about how it's building up relationships with others, enjoying those relationships, giong through the hurt, sadness, anger that can come with them because they are amazing in themselves, they are emotions we can feel, and showing the love of Jesus Christ through our care and love for others, and leading them to question what we are up too. and I know that that is an ignorant 17-year-old speaking because thats ignoring the practicalities, but if that could be the aim for my life, i would do anything to let it be that way. Am gonna pray that God keeps people like Jan energised, cause what my mum says is right, it must be wearing, when nothing happens, everything collapses or you're so trapped by legislation you can't do anything, but i pray we find ways to overcome all these things. hmm...was Jesus man or God or both? but how?! who knows, was a good discussion lol! revelation and all that, going to get some books on the prophets i think, despite the fact that prophecy scares me, a lil bit at least. (But I love you Sam!!!!) I'm sorry for my wanderings, typing thoughts as they come is quite fun, but probably don't make much sense to the reader. I'd better go and do some homework, oh and go and get my stuff out of my pigeon-hole (I have a pigeon-hole, what?!!!!) and I'll try and get the angel on at some point coz, THAT'S WHAT I WAS GONNA SAY, the angel, well u'll see it, but i'll describe it, basically an angel hugging a human that's lost ("and incomplete"-lol, Fix You by coldplay, was listening to it yesterday, must have stayed in my head, good stuff, oh and realised the religious things in swallowed in the sea, it's allll good) and i was thinking "hmm...i wish when i was lost that happened, but maybe not an angel, just to feel God's prescence sometimes, cause I'm still having trouble with that (been about 4 years now) and I'm glad I appreciate nature and life so much else I'd be screwed. aw man i need another deep talk, just to get into the nitty-gritty again, hmm, don't know why, just came to the back of my head, meh. well, i hope you like the angel, it is quite random but i wanted to put it on coz i feel its kinda relevant to me just now. I gave it to my friend in the end, but i think im gonna dedicate it to Laura as well. If you're reading this, you've reached the end, been quite a marathon i'm sorry and i hope my ramblings made even the tiniest bit of sense. getting to like this whole blogging thing. take care. love.xx

Comments

2006-10-05T11:16:00.000+01:00

Oh and kevin, ud better give me a better comment than "Good first blog", after all you were the one that wanted me to update it! But thanks guys for leaving a comment, coz my blog is actually rubbish/spraff etc. anyways, chemistry...

Shoes, school and stuff

2006-10-05T10:55:00.000+01:00

Have realised after last nights fiasco trying to write a blog on my home computer that it ain't going to happen, so until my parents get a new computer (hell will freeze over before then, without a doubt, computers will not even look like computers, they will be manic robots that have taken over the earth or some such tale. I digress, sorry...) I am stuck to using the school computers during my study periods, when I'd much rather be doing something vaguely resembling study. I have had to drop advanced higher music which is a complete bummer coz it would have been fantastic if I could've got all three but I was actually making myself physically ill, and like Sharon, but to a lesser extent, I cannot stand feeling sick so I decided that night to drop it, which was only 2 nights ago, hmm...anyway, I had a good night last night at the p7 parents evening, playing my violin (the same piece 6 times over, omw, and it didnt even get better with each one, it fluctuated!! meh!!) down in music, seeing all the terrified kids, it was grand. Tonight I am going to a youth meeting thing at gorgie, supposed to have read this huge document (of course my computer screwed it up when i copied it into notepad so I now have thirty-odd pages when theres probably only supposed to be 10 or something) and I've only read 5 pages. Thought of some stuff though, see if it comes up tonight. Should be fun, love getting involved in these things. Can't help but think people consider me a kid though, I bloomin wish i was a bit older. Tried to work out if I'm part of the same generation of any of the youth fel, but wasnt successful, but it would suck if I wasnt, coz i aint a leader, I'd rather be at the tail end of something! This is only a diary really. was wanting it to be the case that I would write some cool religious stuff (like some people) but i dont think its gonna happen, im not motivated that way. Mr Duncan is yelling really loud just now and it sucks, can't hear myself think. Still got a while before the period ends. What else has been going on? OH!!! IM GETTING STILETTOS!!! HAHAHA!!! sorry, am quite excited. "excited about shoes?!" i hear you exclaim, and yes shoes I like. A new pair of chucks and a pair of dunlops are on my list too! But i have no money so that sucks. well actually I do but its all going to either my phone bill (omw) or my violin fund (yay!).
Aw, am gonna talk about gorgie for a bit now. Spent a WHOLE HOUR counting ONE persons money from self-denial, ONE. i was not impressed. I wanted to go out collecting, actually i prefer enveloping but either/or. What was I thinking about gorgie for? Something should come to me. hmm...well it seems to be going ok at the minute, things are working. wanna get mmore involved though, that is a plan of mine for the next year, now that I have way more time on my hands. ill see what comes along, I'm sure God will have something lined up for me there, I sooo want that to be the case. No, He will...I hope. meh, was gonna say ill finish with that happy thought but now im like doubting, again. no! its fine! cause i found out that some people doubted that i didnt know doubted so thats encouraging, in a weird way. No, it is steph it is. talking to myself on a blog, wow, it really is the way forward. right do have to go, advanced higher chemistry now. take care everyone! really really do!

First Blog!!!

2006-10-03T09:34:00.000+01:00

Hey guys, I finally have my own official blog place thing, and I'm excited for it! So am gonna update you all on what has been going on for the past few weeks in my life. Here goes:
1. School - could this place be getting any worse? The answer to that is a NO. Head girl stuff sucks like I could never have imagined (perseverance and all that but it's bloomin difficult), I've just decided to give up Advanced Higher Music which is a bummer, but am so close to snapping that it's probably better for my sanity because...well let's just not go there. UCAS is going great, not. I still have to redraft my personal statement and pick another 3 courses, and am narked off 'cause I can't do theology, don't have a language or something like that, boo. (you know, I don't have a language, I just have a belief in God, religion some would say, meh meh meh.) Might do psychology, liking the whole mind thing (ooooo....) etc.
2. Church - wow, how much the opposite could this be. Have just spent weekend away with a group of wonderful people, and I'll just say now I don't know where I'd be without them. Sharon and I are now official Doubting Thomas 1 & 2 which is exciting, we should totally write our own Bible books, that's be hilarious!! anyway yeah, oh, was good to see Adam Howie back, you rock pal!!! And Ian, totally know that sport ministry is gonna be good, and don't get disheartened if it don't work out at the beginning 'cause you're gonna do some good good work. Had some grand chats about the end times, was totally like "wow!" and that was really good. The journey down to Newcastleton (we were at Whitaugh Park for those of you who are interested) was interesting, but highly enjoyable. The Army stuff seems to be going ok too, kids church is flourishing (I miss Brigadier Tumms meh again), Singing Company as chaotic as usual (wouldn't have it any other way tbh, but Sharon, don't know how you do it), band was great on Sunday night, just pain in backside coz I screwed up Praise (MEH), had about 10cm between cornet bell and music stand, and I couldn't go to Sharon's pub quiz thing which would've been a lot of banter, so that was upsetting, was crying on way back home lol (had to use it sometime guys, I've waited this long), and then had mental breakdown, which wasn't so fun. Um, what else? Youth Chorus was great, fab to see Sam and Kerry and Kat and people, and thank you for the haircut comment Pauline, it wasn't like I was embarrassed enough about it already or anything! She fell over which gave all the women a heart-attack coz she's pregnant (yay!!!!, how exciting!!) but everything was ok, phew. Thinking I'm boring you all with this topic.
3. God: interesting situ with this. probs have to go soon, so will be quick. Ok, so I think I had a prophecy, scary, extreme doubt thing just now, not so good, Aileen gave me wee note and stuff and am quite freaked out coz kinda ties in with my thoughts and stuff and she didn't know a thing so I've been relying a lot on what she said in it. Conflicting ideas about what He's wanting me to do, don't have a clue anymore (thanks Alistair....). all very confusing, wouldn't have it any other way.

First Blog!

2006-10-03T09:33:00.000+01:00